Category : Books-Fiction

Sub Category : YoungAdult

The sun rises gradually over the horizon producing rays that beam down and into my bedroom window illuminating the inadiment objects surrounding me. I too remain in a lifeless form as I allow the light of day to wake me entirely . I allow my senses to allign themselves. I am present. My senses adapt and I am aware. Too aware. From the way the sheets feel draped across my body to the aromas that flow through the air. Familiar hustling and bustling can be heard as the city comes to life and at one point in time we are all in unison. We are all preparing ourselves in one way or another to embark upon the unknown. I stare out my window as I watch my neighbor engage in his morning ritual. Take out the dogs, retrieve the paper from the porch, consume one or two overcafdinates cups of Joe and finally he's out the door carrying the same briefcase he carried yesterday and the day before that. He makes his way to his vehicle and I hear the engine start followed by the roar of his engine. I listen to it fade as he makes his way down the street to the main road and he's off to work. A certain envyness envokes me. More familiar sounds of good hard working productive members of society can be heard increasing in volume as the morning hours transend into the afternoon. The same feeling arises within me and becomes more intense with each passing moment. These rituals and routines create a sense of confidence within these individuals. Although they may not be aware of it,  i see it all too well for it is something that I lack. Rituals become routines which then lead to structure and structure creates stability enabling productivity. Being productive is key to being accepted within today's society. Thus provoking a sense of cofidence. When we do things over and over again our brains gradually adapt based upon our belief system and how we were raised. This adaptation process is a learning experience. So this is where I'll tye it all together and mind you, this is strictly my own opinion and theory based upon my own experiences. But before I do, let me tell you a little about myself because it is somewhat key in understanding my theory. 
My name is Nicole. I am a 29 year old hypersensitive. I was well raised, I finished school, and I was able to somewhat keep up with societies standards or so I thought. It was only recently that I went through a period of enlightnment and realized key points during my childhood that may have been significant factors that played a part in the way my brain developed which for me, is crucial in determining exactly how my mind works. In order to fix something so that it works properly and has the ability to reach it's full potential is by first learning absolutely everything about it. 
I finally figured this out after numerous attempts at treatment programs, counseling and therapy that none of these people could really fix me. The only one who could do that is me. I spent years relying on other people places and things for anything and everything and in doing I lost myself. This is a different but yet another attempt to repair my damages, but never have I done so with this particular insight. I believe that if I ever want to change I must first figure out just how my clock ticks. I need to dysect, study, and operate on my brain. I've spent all this time expecting other people or outside Influences to figure me out or fix me not realizing that was never going to happen because no one and nothing will ever be able to get Into my head the way that I can.
This is a pretty obvious statement, of course no one knows you better than your self, but the same can't be said if you have never established your identity. I have always allowed outside Influences to identify me. For as long as I can remember I've been attempting to live outside of myself if that makes sense. I miss the days during childhood when I could let my imagination take me anywhere and let me be anything. This was my creation. I had no limits and anything was possible. Infinite bliss. Unfortunately this was not reality. And the older I got, the more real everything got as well. 
Now I stand in the present ripe age of 29 and this is what I know. I know that I am a unique individual. I know I am hypersensitive to the world and that in today's world.. that is one scary way to live... I also know that whether this be the reason or some other predetermined factor...I crave the ability to fit in with societies standards and I lack the skills it takes to simply maintain day to day life and unless directed by someone or some other force that gives me some outside validation, I'll stay stuck in the same place forEVER. How can I break through these chains ive manifested? Will I ever find a way out? Or will this always be...