Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

A Seagull's Feather.

"I don't want to be lonely." These words are the heart felt longing to belong ,and be among those who know you. Being an Urban Aboriginal First Nation's descendant mixed with African American during the era of lost culture, language,  genetic predispositions, and a world where everyone is busy doing nothing  but yet these words, "I don't want to be lonely." 
My middle years are fast approaching and I think of old age. Sorrow for the mother and father who could never be there I forgive. My only hope is in a Creator whom I want to believe but sometimes I just want to die.
It was time for change. Codependent, maladaptive, and sometimes psychotic relationships had to go. Nothing in this world could give me peace. Running away from everyone and everything is what I was used to. Everyone scares me because they are too fickle. I found that the person I became around others was not who I really was, so it is better to be alone. The shack up doesn't work, casual sexual relationships didnt work, superficial ones didn't either. It almost made me believe that if I disappeared it would not really matter. My black and white, all or nothing, I won't let you get close enough to hurt me was slowly killing me. The cuttings, burns, prickings of my skin in places no one could see , and yet I wore a smile and said ,"I'm fine." 
Not Indian enough, not black enough, just cease to exist. 
It was time to get out of my comfort zone and into my own space where I could be less distracted  by the desperation of being safe or accepted in the land of dysfunction. 
Something was needed. New people who were real and had a sense of empathy and love for others. It seems ironic that I who hated me would do anything to be loved. 
Churches, Communities, and angels unaware, nudging me then detaching with love for they were just as screwed as I was. They don't have the answers either. So I learned to stop worrying about "they." 
"I don't want to be lonely." The words of an Elder I visit as a friend in the nursing home a block from where I live. 
All I know is when left from where I lived a few months ago, I didn't expect to be pulled into the Native Indian Community by an Elder who needed to see one of her people. She considered me to be one of her people and that is ok with me. 
A week before I was asked by another friend to check on the Elder I was walking home with a neighbor after attending church. On our path toward our street I found a feather. The Seagull's feather. I still have it and now understand people need people because seagull's flock together in search for food. Today I write about my experience after attending a lunch in my community with an Elder with love and hope. CHI-MIGWEECH