Category : Poems

Sub Category : N/A

Like a twisted vacuum you wanted to suck up the mess you told me I was
Fix me and tell me to grow up
I didn’t notice when you let go and gave me the handle
Letting me slowly suck up the life inside of me 

It progressed slow
So slow that I thought my mother crazy for telling me how wrong you were for me
I thought she just didn’t approve again, 
And I pushed out who was supposed to be guiding me

It started so slow I didn’t notice until the tension and silence was deafening. 
It was a steady pace of little comments. 
You’d say you resent me, and I’d start to resent myself
What am I doing wrong that you have that hatred for me? 
Telling me I was destroying your peace in our home because you were tired of being in the same place that you were 10 years ago, and I’m not helping by having chores not done in the house
Thinking to myself how horrible I must be for wrecking your day
I’d try to repair any part of you I could’ve broke
Yet not understanding how your point in life had anything to do with me

We were in the same point of life yet 12 years apart
I was just starting, yet you made me think I was broken for not knowing what you did
To you I’m a child 
A being easily controlled 
Not worthy of personal thoughts
If I said anything disagreeable then I’d been obviously manipulated

I’d voice my healthcare concerns and you brushed it off as nothing
But if you had an earache it was my fault
You had me doubting when It came to my mind
Saying there’s nothing wrong with how I think or do
It’s just immaturity
And now, even with a professional diagnostic 
It feels like a cop out 
It feels like I’m lying to myself 
Even though I know I’m not 

My mind and my body were stolen from me 
I felt like a helium balloon with all my air being sucked out  
Just drifting through the wind 
Hoping to land somewhere and not get destroyed
And now my mind is endlessly wrestling with itself 
You made me doubt myself as a woman and a mother.
You spoke
You pushed 
And you judged 
Till my eyes longingly looked at the pill bottle in the bathroom when I was alone. 
And now I don’t think my mind will ever believe me when I say 
I’m a good mom
He deserves me 
No he doesn’t. 
He deserves so much more 
How can I be what he needs? 
I failed him
You took motherhood from me 
And now I feel like I don’t deserve it 

Then when you cheated 
At home with our 6 month old 
It was your “moment of weakness” 
Then telling me the other girl should be more upset cause you didn’t want anything serious with her. 
I ran 
Ran to the very people I’d almost burnt the bridge from
Had almost cut off my only lifeline. 
The lifeline you swore manipulated me to leave

I thought it’d be relieving to finally walk away
But I left everything I’d built
Everything I’d collected for 20 years locked and sealed in a storage abandoned 
Who am I when everything that was mine is gone? 
My pillow pet I got at 5 is gone 
My first snow globe I got at 7 is gone 
My elementary Girl Scouts vest is gone 
The stuffed animal I got when 
my brother was born is gone 
My 16th birthday necklace from my parents is gone 
All my collectible figurines gone 
My entire library and written poems are gone 
Everything I’d gained through life while growing my personality has been left behind 

How do I even begin to rebuild?
Its all material, I know 
But they held my memories 
And a part of who I am
 
Now it feels like I’m walking through a graveyard of all my mistakes. 
It’s just the carnage and despair that was left behind 

It’s left me casted into an unknowing mess 
I still long for the physical touch and good moments I got in the beginning 
But a part of me is worried 
If it’s just naivety to believe I can be loved
If I’m so broken 
So worthless of a single thought of my own 
Just an immature naive child
Who could possibly love me again?