Category : Books-Fiction

Sub Category : Drama

Chapter 9


  I carefully unpacked the groceries and put them in just the right spots in the kitchen. Josh didn’t like clutter and demanded a neat and organized living space. The kitchen was always the hardest to keep organized. I mean, we live here with two young children. Between cleaning up after them and their endless snacks as well as keeping everything clean while I cooked proved to be a never ending task. After all this time I developed a system, or more of a routine that worked for me, which is essential to my sanity. Then there were days like today when I felt overwhelmed by the slightest thing that turned the easiest task into the most daunting. My mind was on Alex. I couldn’t focus on anything long enough to follow through with the task at hand. I glanced at the clock while loading the vegetables into the fridge, shit, Josh would be home soon and I haven’t started dinner. I took a deep breath and tried my best to refocus enough to get dinner on the table. 


 Since my text conversation with Alex a few nights ago, we haven’t had any other communication. Lauren said that she was going to let Alex know what was going on on my end so she knew that I didn’t just disappear again. I anxiously waited for Lauren to send me a message from Alex, maybe she decided that it was all too much for her to handle. “Mama, mama,” Drew cried as he ran into the kitchen with his hand on his head. “What happened sweetheart?” I asked then picked him up. “David hit me in the head wif his twuck,” he cried even harder. He’s always been very overdramatic when he was tired or hungry. After I kissed his little head, I offered him a little snack to tide him over until dinner was ready. Moments later David walked in whining for a snack too. I got them both settled then quickly started cutting carrots when Josh walked in the door earlier than I expected. I felt the knots in my stomach getting stronger when I heard his footsteps getting closer. The boys jumped up and ran over to him with arms wide open. Josh kneeled down and gave them a big hug and kiss. Josh would never hurt me in front of them, so I was grateful they were in the kitchen with me.


Josh never brought up the fact that I was calling out “Alex” in my sleep again. I am grateful, however I keep waiting for the ball to drop. I hated living like this, constantly walking on eggshells hoping that I wouldn’t set him off. It was only a matter of time now, since it’s been so long since he last hit me. Part of me wishes that he would just get it over with, then I remembered the last time and how he almost killed me. Then I worry that if there is a next time, he might kill me. I thought of my boys and got a lump in my throat as I tried to shake that thought from my head. 


  I faked my best smile when I felt his hand on the small of my back as he reached over to kiss me on my cheek. “Smells good, babe,” he said as he grabbed a carrot from the pile I already cut. “It will be ready in a half an hour,” I replied quickly. “Come on boys, let’s let mom finish dinner,” he announced as he led them into the living room. It was nice to have the kitchen to myself while I finished dinner. I dropped the carrots in the pot then stumbled a bit when I felt Josh grab the back of my hair and pull me back. Through gritted teeth he said, “Why can’t you just be grateful when I compliment you?” “You’re hurting me Josh, what are you talking about?” I pleaded. “Thank you, a simple thank you is best when someone compliments your cooking,” he remarked. “Now let’s practice you ungrateful bitch, Dinner smells good, now what do you say?”

This is what he’s mad at? I thought as I became angry. “What do you say Mikayla?” He demanded “Thank you,” I said feeling like a scolded child. He released his grip on me and fixed my hair. “See, that wasn’t so hard was it?” he questioned. “No,” I said just to appease him. I hated him, everyday with him is another day of my life that I will never get back. I felt myself slowly dying on the inside every time he laid his hands on me. I needed a way out, I needed to be free of this monster and finally be happy.


   I was giving the boys a bath when David stood up and smacked Drew in the head for no reason. Drew started crying and flailing about as he slipped and fell underwater tripping David, causing him to fall on top of Drew. I jumped up and grabbed David and yanked him out of the bath. I reached down and pulled Drew’s lifeless body out of the bath. His nose was bleeding and he wasn’t breathing. I yelled for Josh to get come into the bathroom as I tried to do CPR on him. David stood there shivering and dripping wet while he cried out for his brother. 


 Drew began coughing up water and then let out a huge wail, I have never been so relieved to hear him cry. There was blood all down his little body. It looked like a murder scene when Josh finally strolled in to see what I was yelling at. “What have you done?” Josh bellowed. David was still standing in the bathroom dripping wet, his lips were purple as he stood there crying. Josh grabbed a towel and swiftly wrapped David it in then shoved me out of the way to get to Drew. ”I didn’t do anything, he slipped and knocked David down on top of him. It was an accident,” I cried. “He’s bleeding, why is he bleeding?” Josh demanded. “David slipped, landed on him and hit Drew’s nose,” I snapped while I grabbed a washcloth to clean his face. Josh gently handed Drew back to me so I could finish cleaning him up. I was relieved that he wasn’t angry with me one he realized that it was an accident. I sat on the wet floor with Drew wrapped up in my arms, I cried while kissing his forehead, so thankful that he was okay. I turned to see Josh taking David out of the bathroom. It was nice when Josh stepped up to help, it didn’t happen very often, but when it did I was thankful. 


 I was drying Drew off and started to put on his jammies when I heard a loud howl coming from the other room. I jumped up when I realized that it was David. With Drew on my hip I ran down the hall to the boy’s room when I heard a loud smacking sound followed by another loud cry from David. I walked into the room to find Josh with a belt in his hand and little David, still naked, bent over the bed with large red welts on his bare bottom. “STOP IT!” I yelled. I sat Drew down, who was now crying again, and I stepped in front of the belt as it came down across my back. I felt the hot sting as it connected, I tried to hold in my scream to keep from scaring the boys any further. I wasn’t prepared for the intense pain and I screeched louder than I intended frightening them both causing them to cry even harder. I tried to grab David and run out of the way but I tripped and fell on my side with David wrapped in my arms. This time the belt came down harder and hit us both, the pain of the belt was nothing compared to the pain of hearing David holler out, “Daddy, please stop,” he cried. I rolled over to position David underneath me while I tried to get up. “Why are you doing this, Josh?” I whimpered feeling defeated. I didn’t have the energy to get up so I braced for the pain of the belt to hit again, but it never did. Moments later I heard the garage door open and a car peel out of the driveway. I let out a huge sigh of relief as I swooped up both the boys and just sat on the floor holding them.


 “I’m so sorry my babies, I'm so sorry,” I cried over and over. I was finally able to get them both settled and off to bed. Josh still hadn’t returned and I was terrified at every noise I heard thinking that he would walk in at any time. I grabbed my phone and blanket and I crawled in bed with David. Staring at my screen for a long time I decided to reach out to Alex. “Hi,” I wrote and then I waited. I must have drifted off to sleep because I was startled awake when I felt the vibration from my phone on my chest. “Hi,” she responded. “How are you?” I replied. This time it was it was only seconds before I got a response. “I’m good, I’m glad you reached out,” Alex wrote. I felt the butterflies in my tummy reading her words. “I’m sorry I blocked you, I couldn’t risk Josh finding out,” I confessed. “I know why you did it and I totally get it, Lauren told me what was going on,” she said. “Oh good, I hoped she delivered my message to you. Things are not good here, it’s getting worse,” I wrote as the tears caused the screen to be blurry as they filled up in my eyes before slowly falling down my cheek. “He’s never hurt my boys until tonight,” I texted.

“Mikayla, you need to get out of there sweetheart. You and your kids don’t deserve this, if not for you, do it for them,” she pleaded. I set my phone down to think of what to say next. I have heard all of this before from Lauren. I knew that I didn’t deserve this, I knew that my boys definitely did not deserve this. Nobody understood why it was so difficult for me to just leave. To the outsiders I must look like a fool, but from this side of things it wasn’t that easy. I shared a life with Josh, a home, kids and a bank account. I didn’t work, I was a stay at home mom. Josh insisted that I give up my career when David was born, as much as I loved working, I agreed once I saw his little face. Looking back, it was just another way Josh had control over me. “Are you still there?” Alex typed. I must have been lost in my thoughts longer than I realized. “Yes, I’m sorry, I am still here,” I replied. “I know I need to leave Alex, and one day I will, but I need to do it the right way to keep my kids safe. Please understand this,” I pleaded. “Okay, I understand. Just know that I am here,” she kindly said. “Can we talk about you for a while?” I asked.


  There was a long pause before she finally replied. “I don’t really know what to say, I hate talking about myself,” she wrote. “When I first saw you, I felt things that I have never felt, I can’t explain it. I just want to know more about you,” I pleaded. “There’s not much to tell, my life hasn’t been easy, I have demons of my own,” she stated. I don’t know if this information was supposed to curb my curiosity, because in fact, it was just the opposite. I was more curious now than ever and I told her so. “Ha ha, okay okay,” she replied. I waited anxiously as I saw her typing. I was so curious about who she was, but also a bit nervous while I wondered about her demons she spoke of. After about five minutes I was staring at a paragraph filled with words explaining her demons. “Mikayla, I hope this doesn’t scare you off. It’s not something I like to talk about. When I was a kid, my father used to hit on my mother. When I got older he hated that I didn’t dress like a girl and he started hitting on me. One day I walked in on my dad beating on my mother while my little brother was crying in the corner. I rushed in to push him off my mother. When I did, he turned on me and while he raped me in front of my mother and brother I grabbed the scissors from the desk and slit his throat,” she texted. I was shocked as I read her words over and over again. I needed to reply but I didn’t know what to say. Oddly, this didn’t scare me off. I felt happy knowing that someone understood me and what I go through with Josh. “This doesn’t scare me, Alex. I am so sorry that you went through this, but I am happy you felt that you could tell me. I admire your strength for protecting  your family,” I wrote back. “It was a bad time for me, but I have rebuilt my life and things are finally good, in fact they are better since I have officially met you,” She replied. There go those butterflies again. I felt happy to be chatting with her right now, but I knew it was time to end this conversation, I can’t risk Josh catching me. “Alex, I will text again when I can, until then I have to block your number just to be safe, I hope you understand,” I begged. “I do, beautiful, I do.” she said. Her words were everything to me and it hurt to delete them, but it was necessary. I turned off my phone and rolled over next to David and fell asleep.