Fist Sized Lubdub! Read Count : 36

Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Relationships
Today i am a little less restless. Anxiety exists, however, it is not weighing me down. Anki asked me to listen to hanuman chalisa and that is helping me. 

Life is so simple, yet we want to complicate it. We enlarge the 10% deficient and ignore the 90% sufficient in any relationship. Before we know it, we are standing with 100% deficient. When I was in degree, a friend, Sourabh Khandelwal, told me something that I never forget. He said, “Roops, What is the hurry ya? Stop and smell the flowers on your path”. So true! 

My heart has been broken, rejected and betrayed by boyfriends of the past, ex husband, family, friends and partner. It feels heavy and shattered like it cant be pieced together….too many pieces to fix. However, life has to go on. I live on like a wounded soldier, the battle continues and I cant drop my weapons. I need to go on. I need to rise up. This time I want to heal, yes it will hurt. This time i will grow, yes it will cause me immense pain. I will transform for that i need to shed my old self and that will be like pulling teeth. Every other time, i pulled up another armour over my wounds. This time, I will bare it all. I will expose my wounds…i will peel the bandage from the sores that have refused to heal. I will let the sun pierce into the open wound of the sword you put deeply into the flesh on my back when i slept there trusting you. I will scream, wail and be helpless. Yet no tears will flow down these cheeks as the pain isnt visible to others. It is my soul crying out in pain. The sun and mother nature will heal me and rebuild my cells slowly. The wounds will no longer be bruised and slowing close up. Life will change and so will I. Maybe, I will become private, silent and spiritual. 

Soulful love is for God. Humanbeings are never satisfied. This includes me too. I have cheated in my past relationship and hence Karma showed up for my misdoings. I have to accept and stop questioning what you did. My fist sized heart has shrunk further. I put my trust and you walk all over me and then ask, “Why is it hard for you to trust?”. I sit here quietly at loss of words as it just hurts. I forgive you and believe you had your reasons and hence you made that choice. Ah! Temporary pleasure can be exciting and bold. Only for the moment. It will hit you as a tornado leaving you alone and confused. May God give you the strength to move forward. May God give you the courage to forget. Good luck! 

I am on the road to recovery. It will be a painful journey and seem like dejavu. Yet I wont give up. I will keep at it! I will rise again. I will breathe again without the breath weighing me down. My fist sized lub deb will have enough blood flow to feel light again. I will be alive again in a different way. Har har mahadev! 


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