Category : Stories

Sub Category : Drama

Robbie/Rab/Rob/Robert or sometimes we’d use his second name ‘Burnie’ or ‘Burns’. Yes, ah know that he almost shares same name as a famous Scottish poet. In fact, see if we wir steaming (as in ‘we’ ah mean Billy maistly) wid sometimes take the piss oot ay him fir it. like fir example we wid ask him shite like: ‘How wis it like writing auld Lang syne?’ and we’d huv a fucking laugh aboot it ken? This was only at Hogmanay though so its maistly an ‘annual laugh’ more than anything. However, Robbie doesn’t find it funny. He’s a wee sensitive fucker likesay, he’s eywis been like that. However, Ah wish he wouldnae hud been hauf the time. Ah remember wan time Me, Billy and James aw went tae his cause he hud a gaff that night, fuck knows whair his parents wir, Robbie probably knew. ah goes up tae ask um. He wis in the living room playing ‘Sonic The Hedgehog’ on his Sega Mega Drive. 
Whairs yir Auld folk Rab? Ah asks 
Awey doon South likesay Blackpool He sais
When are they coming back? Ah asks 
Don’t know, Don’t care, thair wanting piece fae me anywey. Literally, ah asks them if ah can go doon wi them likes. The cunts jist fucking laughed at me and sais ‘Ye can go when ye start revising for yir exams’. ‘Ah huv been revising’ ah sais. However, ma da claps back at me and sais ‘The only thing you study is a lassies fanny ya dirty wee bastard!’. Honestly man, so they jist gave me a gaff instead whair thir hoping that ah’m revising fir ma fucking exams. Anywey how’s thing wi you? Ye pumped that Shannon lassie yet? 
Naw Ah sais 
Aw well she’s oot yir league anywey 
It wis at this moment that Billy walked into the room holding a bottle ay cider 
Whits gin oan? Billy asks sitting himself doon next tae Robbie 
Taulking aboot how his burd is way oot ay his league Robbie sais. -Aw aye she’s well oot ay yir league mate. Billy sais
Fucking cunts. They say it every fucking time ah git a burd that’s ‘oot ay ma league’. The Fuck that does that mean anywey? Naw ah’ll tell ye whit it fucking is, it’s a fucking plot device used tae gilt trip folk intae thinking that thir fucking clapped when they clearly fucking urnae. Anywey, ah jist roll ma eyes at thum at look at the telly. But then James came through and broke the silence. – Lads ah went through tae Addiewell yesterday tae get some smack and whit dae ah end up leaving wi? Two Sports bags full ay opium and a packet ay ecstasy. – Aw rite mate well done Robbie sais focused oan the game. – Naw but listen this is pure shit that comes fae Columbia no that perr shite that comes fae Peru. He sais putting the bags and the ecstasy oan the coffee table. Robbie pause the game and took a look at the drugs. – Fucking hell you’ve oot done yir sel here James ye ken whit this caws fir? Robbie sais wi a smile oan his face – Whit? Billy sais – A party Robbie replies still grinning. – Aw yes!! Billy yells as he jumps up in the air. Robbie decided tae ring his mates telling them tae ‘Bring burds! lots ay burds!’. In the Meantime, Robbie got a bag ay speed fae his secret stash in his bedroom. So Robbie, James and Billy aw snorted ay line ay coke. However, ah jist sat thair looking aw biscuit ersed until Robbie said something.
Moan you he sais
Whit? Ah reply
Snort a line he sais sounding as though he wis awready fucked after one line 
Naw ah reply 
Moan, snort a fucking line Billy sais whae wis noo oan the flair slavering hauding oan ma leg 
GET OAF ME YA CREEP!! Ah yell - How the hell are yous high oan wan line ay coke? Ah sais – Wir no wiv hud fower lines in the space ay three oors – Whit de ye mean three oors? It’s 5 O’clock in the eftirnoon? – Naw its no James sais – How ah sais – look at the digital clock James sais. 
What ah saw oan the clock shook me tae ma core. It said 8:30 pm. Wis ah staring in tae space for three oors? Naw ah couldnae huv been. Thir wis other people in the house. Ah notice thair’s something in ma arm, it wis a needle. – d’you like ma wee present? Robbie sais. Naw, surely no. Ok whit happened wis ah must’ve falling asleep or something and then Robbie being the sick fucker that he is, injected heroin in to my veins wi oot ma consent. –ROBBIE YA SICK FUCKING CUNT YE!! Ah yell, taking the needle oot ma airm. The cunt just done his junky laugh. He then catches the eye of a pretty young girl sitting next to the next the telly. Robbie goes over to her. Ah’m standing thair trying no tae laugh. Cause ah notice that the lassie looks aboot fowerteen years auld. Robbie’s to oot e’s nut tae ken however and still spoke tae ‘er. Meanwhile ah’ve somehow just foond masel in a conversation wi Billy and James, talking aboot ‘Masturbation in the Olympics’.
Ah’m telling ye man, if wanking wis a sport in the Olympics ah would ay won…. Ten gold medals Billy sais counting wi his fingers
Oh really? Ah sais in disbelief 
Aye he replied
Ah started tae notice Robbie wis necking that lassie. Fuck sake, nae wonder folk caw him a pedo. 
Really? How many times dae ye huv a wank? James said 
Why the fuck dae ye need tae ken that? Ah sais
Aw day, Every day Billy sais 
Ah felt ma stomach turn. Ah felt as though ah wis gonnae be sick, this fucking conversation and the fact Robbie wis noo taking that lassie up tae his bedroom tae dae whit ah can only imagine…. Naw…. Ah dinae want tae imagine that. Ah went tae the upstairs bathroom and vomited in the toilet. ah could feel all ay ma guts wir leaving ma system. The vomit wis aw yella with green chunks which ah could only as some sort ay vegetable and tae tap it aw aff the smell wis appalling, it smelt like a piece ay shite which hud been in a toxic waste land. Ah hud tae wash ma mooth at the sink, ah goat the toothpaste and squirted a bit intae ma mooth. And then ah put ma mooth under the tap. It wisnae a too bad ay a solution and it made ma mooth fresh. Ah flushed the toilet and headed back doon the stair, but before ah put foot oan the first step ah noticed something oan the flair ootside Robbie’s room. Ah could hear that lassie moaning inside Robbie’s room. Ah goat close tae it and realised it wis a condom packet. “Huh” ah thought tae ma sel thinking nothing of it, but then ah realised something else. It wis opened but the condom wis inside ay it. ah looked up at Robbie’s door and realised He’s fucked if he Doesnae pull oot. If he impregnates her or yet he gets diagnosed wi an STD then he’s seriously, one hundred percent fucked. That lassie is too young fir shagging. Ah don’t get why they dae that at that age fir fuck sake. The age ay consent is ‘16’ no ‘14’ Robbie ya fucking pedo. Ah then heard Robbie scream: “Ah’m gonnae cum soon!!!!” in a pleasure filled voice. Ah ran back doon the stairs as quickly as ah could and sat back next tae Billy and James, who wir noo talking aboot fitba. Ah wisnae intae fitba but ma auld man wis. 

Who de ye think’s gonnae win the Scottish league cup this year? Billy said 
Yous obviously James replied 
Ah sais nout. Ah jist sat thair staring intae space, hoping Robbie wisnae too out e’s nut tae forget tae pull oot. 

Exactly, it’s gonnae be nine in a row ah can feel it Billy sais 
Robbie wid say otherwise but he’s no here the noo James replied
Aye, well Robbie hus tae keep oan dreaming Billy sais
Ah think aboot going hame but ah decide tae pull oot ma game boy and start playing ‘Super Mario land’. Nae cunt’s gonnae bother me. An hour goes by and a notice James (who is sitting beside me) is talking to this blonde lassie. She looks like Courtney love, also known as Kurt Cobain’s wife (Lead singer ay Nirvana). She looks at me and sais: - So, who’s this cutiepatootie? – Aw this is Callum, he’s ma wee geeky pal aint ye? James sais rubbing ma hair wi his fist. – Aye, awright James very good Ah sais. 
Ah ah see She sais 
Whit’s your name? ah asks 
Ashley she sais 
Ashley? That’s a nice name. You a pal ay Robbie’s? 
Naw, no really she sais 
Me and James looked at each other confused 
Then how do you know um? James asks 
He…We fucked…. Before, that’s how we know each other she sais seeing Robbie coming back into the room. 
Oh James sais 
This lassie is very odd. She seems to know Robbie, but she seems very awkward aboot it for some reason. Anywey, here comes the man ay the oor.
Ah lads ah see you’ve met Ashley He sais haudin a fag right hand and putting his arms ower us 
His breath reeked ay tobacco and his teeth wir as yellow as a lego figure
Sooooo? Robbie sais
Whit? Ah sais 
Whit ye’s daeing? He sais smiling 
Nothing James sais 
Ya want tae git fucked up? Robbie sais 
Ah’m awright Ah sais
Aw c’mon, dinae be sae fucking boring, get fucked up wi us he sais 
Robbie you’re already ‘Fucked up’
Since when Ah’m ah no? he sais laughing 
Robbie, Ah’m no bothered either James sais  
Aww, c’mon stop being party-poopers He sais 
Ah dinae ken whits worse. The fact that he’s just called us party poopers or the fact he’s touching me wi the same haun he probably fingered that lassie with! 

HERE! WE’VE GOT PARTY POOPERS AIRT HERE He shouted 
Shut up Robbie! James said
Oh, pack it in ya big poof he sais playfully pushing him
Ashley stood up
THAT’S ENOUGH ROBBO LEAVE THUM ALONE!!! Ashley yelled 
Eh? He sais 
Ah sais leave thum alone! She yelled 
Shut up Ashley! You can’t say NOUT! Because, in my world your jist a pair ay tits!
The whole room went silent at what Robbie jist said. The music hud stopped playing and the whole room was laser focused oan Robbie and Ashley. Ashley picked up a glass and shoved in eh’s face, it smashed. And he started bleeding. – Ow! YA DIRTY FUCKING, COCK SUCKING WHORE!! He yelled. Robbie swung at Ashley. She fell and nose started bleeding. Robbie tried to pick her up bit then some chad and started punching fuck oot um. This then the tae whole party turning intae a fight. Perr Ashley wis greeting oan the flair. Tear mixing with the blood fae her nose. Me and James decided tae get tae fuck. – Wait! What aboot Ashley? James sais – Jist forget aboot her. – Really? Eftir she tried stood up fir us? Ah looked Ashley oan the flair still greeting and bleeding. – Fuck it! Ah suppose yir right. Me and James dodged aw the scraps and picked up Ashley and dragged her oot ay thair. – Here, Ashley tilt yer heid back and haud yer nose it’ll stop the bleeding. James sais – Cheers She sais in a muffled voice. 
We need tae take her tae the hospital Ah sais 
Eh? James sais 
Well her nose is broken so she needs medical attention ah sais 
How we gonnae git thair? Ah mean, we cannae phone an ambulance because: 1. Its gonnae take oors tae git here and 2. They’ll bring the polis aboot them lot huving a scrap. 
Ah thought fir a moment and then ah see this taxi drap aff some folk and aboot tae drive aff. Ah immediately jumped in front it. the driver honked his horn at me and started shouting at me in this Indian accent. – Look Ah’m really really sorry ah know yir busy but can you take us up to the hospital? Its ma pal she’s broke her nose Ah sais. He looks at Ashley and sais: - Aye alright then. We goat in the taxi and headed tae the hospital. Eftir aboot 10 mins Ashley squeaked the question of: - Are we nearly there yet? – No, yet doll James sais. – Ah’m sleepy she sais tiredly. – Try stay awake fir us the noo, ye can rest when wir at the hospital. 


Why you guys helping me? Ashley asks
Cause you stood up for us back there James sais 
Oh aye ah forgot aboot that, he must ay hit me pretty hard eh? she sais 
Aye ah sais smiling 

The rest ay the taxi journey went smoothly. We arrived at the hospital and she goat seen immediately seen tae. The nurses wir nice with her and gave her aw the medical attention that she needed. Me and James sat doon at a waiting area. We jist sat thair biscuit ersed until James piped up and sais something tae us. – Here, what dae ye think happened between her and Rob? He sais. – Ah don’t know and ah don’t care ah sais. 
Fair enough he replied 
Here, that lassie he was with the night. What age dae ye age think she wis? Ah sais 
Whae? 
The lassie Robbie was with 
Aw aye, the wan that looks like a fowerteen year auld?
Aye ah sais 
Whit aboot her? 
Well… 
Ah gave um a recap on whit happened earlier aboot the condom packet thing the fact they two wir shagging with oot protection. 

Naw he sais in disbelief 
Aye 
Yir Joking, he sais 
Ah wish ah wis ah replied 
Bloody hell, he’s really pushed it this time hasn’t he? He sais
Aye
God ah hope he’s no goat an STD  
Aye, same an all man. 
Ah mean he’s a prick but ah still like um and that ken?
Aye ah reply 
Sure, we hate Robbie but we still care fir um. All ay us ur like brothers tae one another. Sure ah’ve goat wan but he’s no thair, he’s fucked off doon south tae Manchester tae live wi ma auntie, fuck knows if he’s coming back. He did say tae me he wis getting sick and tired ay Livingston because thir wis fuck aw tae dae. He’s right. Ah don’t know why ah didn’t go doon wi um. See when you are living in Livingston, you feel so grounded and far away from everything. It makes me want tae fucking top masel. This town hud so much potential when it wis getting built but in the end it makes Cumbernauld look like fun place tae go tae. 
Dae ye ever get sick ay living here? Ah sais 
Eh? James replies 
Like, dae ye feel as though that yir so far away fae everything? Ah sais 
Whit’cha mean? He asks 
Like whenever ye go tae a big city like Edinburgh wi aw the shops, Arcades etc. You feel as though yir living so far away fae everything. Ah sais
Och, aye that feeling He reply 
Aye ah reply 
Whit aboot it? he asks
Dinae ken really. Ah suppose that was trying tae make conversation. Ah sais 
Oh, I see, aye, ah get that feeling a lot he sais 
It’s a shame, like aw good shite is in Edinburgh or Glasgow and we get left wi fuck aw Ah sais
Aye, it’s the cooncils fault really James sais 
Aye, like the forum, whit we gonnae dae wi oot it? ah sais 
Fuck kens man he sais 
Club Earth? Ah sais 
Too wee he sais 
The Night spot? Ah sais 
Nah, if wir gonnae get bands tae come here again like ‘Aerosmith’ or ‘The Prodigy’ then will huv tae get a venue like the forum  
True ah sais 
 An hour hud now gone by. Ah’m sitting here bored oot ma nut. So is James. Ah could easily just top masel oan how bored ah u. Oh wait Nevermind here she comes. Ashley hud a bandage on her nose and she wis in a wheelchair fir some reason. 
Why she in a wheelchair? James asks 
She said felt dizzy so we put her in one so she didn’t have to walk all way the down the corridor. The Nurse sais 
Ah ok James understood 
Ye feeling better Ashley? Ah asks 
Ah suppose she sais 
Ah well, yer aw fixed up now ah sais 
Ah’ll leave you’s to it the Nurse sais
C’mon then we’ll get you home James sais 
Thank you ah sais tae the nurse 
She jist smiled at me 
Can you stand up? James sais 
Ah think so Ashley sais
We helped Ashley stand up but she insured us that she was fine. So we goat oot the hospital, and despite the taxi driver yelling at me earlier he wis actually still there when we goat oot.
How much dae we owe ye? Ah asks 
Nothing, this one’s on me he sais in an Indian accent
Cheers ah sais 
No problem he replied 
Where dae ye stay aboot Ashley? Ah asks 
East Calder she sais. Langton avenue. 
Langton avenue, East Calder please ah sais tae the taxi driver 
Ok he replied 
Once we drapped aff Ashley and her maw wis in tears 
Omg, what happened tae ye? She sais
Its awrite maw ah jist fell Ashley sais 
We sais thanks tae the taxi driver and decided we’d jist take the bus hame. We clocked X28 tae Bathgate and headed back tae Polbeth.