Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I kid you not life is wonderful, mine is like hell on earth 
It consists of bottling my emotions, fighting my anger biting my tongue just so I don't use cuss words. 
Family drama, an alcoholic and partyholic brother that does whatever he pleases with no regards to how his actions affects me.
He is my brother, words I keep telling myself but this same brother, doesn't give a damn about me, he'll lie and say otherwise.
A brother who can't be reasoned with, thinks everything is an attack on him and how he chooses to live his life, to do as he does means ending up on the streets, he turns a blind eye to that and how it'll affect me mentally. 
Money to this brother, equals rum drinking, late night partying, coming home pass mid night, to spending all day sleeping, is that really any way to be living. 
At 36 and not thinking of building a house to call home, not thinking of saving, all he's good at is spending, maybe he'd rather be placed in a retirement home, spending his remaining years alone because he abandoned his children when they needed him the most. 
As his younger brother, his foolish mindset puts a dent in my plans for a better life, to suffer at the hands of the one person who is supposed to look out for not only his best interests but yours can have negative lasting effects on ones life and mind.
Many times I've felt like I have to argue over petty things and the sad thing is not talking only gives this brother of mine, the go ahead to keep on murkying up his life and mines with it.
I have had detailed vision of what I'd do to myself, putting a knife to both hands, making deep cuts, I've seen myself walking into the emergency room of the hospital with knife in hand watch the nurses in their faces and cut my throat, I envisioned myself walking out on the road and facing any and all oncoming vehicles wanting for one to hit me and take mylife.
life is wonderful, mine is like hell on earth all because I've done so well to withheld my anger bottled my emotions and let my brother and everyone get away with doing to me whatever they believe they are obligated to do and I can't say shit about it or it'll be an argument or a death sentence for me.