Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I'm not like them. I'm different. I don't yell, I don't scream. I go completely silent. Maybe that scares him. Maybe he did not know what to make of me.
Thinking of all those women makes me beyond sad. It grieves me and it's a neverending kind of grief. I cannot think of him without thinking about all of them.
I was almost one of them. Where would I have been if things went further between us? I don't want to know.
I loved him enough not to be one of them. I loved him enough to have waited. I loved him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him, but he never felt the same way about me. I was never good enough.
He's still searching, while I'm still married for allmost twentyseven years now.
Because when I was not good enough for him, I was good enough for his ex- best friend. Good enough in spite of all the heartache, trauma and mess I've created. In spite of all my sin. In spite of the fact that I'm growing older and my hair is slowly turning to grey. In spite of my flaws, lines and wrinkles, he still loves me.
I'm still good enough for him to never want to let me go. Loving me enough to tell me the truth. In spite of everything I had done, I'm still good enough. That is real love. I know it everytime he wraps his arm around my waist as I drift off to sleep and I feel safe, secure and loved. There is no greater feeling. There is nothing greater than knowing that. 
In the last two years my husband taught me what real love and marraige is about. I am truly gratefull for what God has given me. Even when I get so beyond sad at times.
Those times when I feel so weak that I would give anything to see his face again. To talk to him. To be near him. To put all my questions to rest that still haunts my heart and mind.
In those moments that I have to remind myself that he's a player. A user of women. That is who he is. My mind knows, but my heart still has to accept that.
Now I understand why he once told me that he is not the man for me. He knew and maybe it was his way of protecting me from himself somehow. I will never know.
I have disrupted his life on and off for years. Maybe making him hate me now.
I fell in love with the wrong guy. As simple as that. That is my biggest secret and the biggest heartache I have to carry.

Silent Angel