Category : Notes/Work

Sub Category : N/A

I wish someone could experience the depths Of my pain how it surrounds me in the still of the evening like a misty sea sirens call pulling me closer then plunging me into despair 


Having someone use deprekssion and suicide threats as a manipulation tactic against you as a child is like living the rest of your life with the reflection of a loaded gun in your face. It’s not exactly a threat anymore but the terror of the original trauma haunts you and at some point it exhausts you too. It never gets any less scary than the first time your father threatens to end his life and abandon you but you’re so tired from being scared that fear begins to manifest as anger which leads to resentment and ultimately self defeat and Internalized hate. But always the fear. The fear of daddy being hurt. Or not being able to save him, or getting in trouble. Of him Being gone. Being alone. Being left. Again. 


It feels like the only way I’ll know peace and coexistence with my family is if they help get me the support I need to live as freely as possible my hope is that I can write and make sense of this journey I’ve endured and find peace maybe, hopefully, help others like me feel seen and heard