Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Does anyone ever NOT wonder what goes through another person's head? Does anyone ever NOT wonder what we're doing here in life? Or what happens when we die? Does anyone else ever NOT wonder who or what they truly are? How could anyone ever NOT wonder these things?

     These thoughts and more, are what have plagued me throughout my life, and haunt me even to this day.

     My name is Brandy Marie, and this mind and body of mine, are 25 years young. Even my young age however, I still wonder about all of these questions and more. I try not to focus so much on the negative aspect of things, but you can't have good without the bad, so this is probably going to be a mess. 

     I have a tendency bounce from one thing to another to another quickly, only to find myself lost within the depths of my mind. I don't remember much from being a child, other then it was extremely traumatizing. When I was just 3 years of age, I remember my big sister Shandi screaming outside the bathroom door saying, "leave my sister alone, stop hurting her." I guess she didn't like the way she heard me crying due to the little bugs crawling under my skin, as I tried to get away from the dad and grandmother as they were trying to apply "scabies" medication all over my body. 

    What kills you is supposed to make you stronger, right? Now I just have to figure out what all this strength is meant to be used for.  Like the, "fight or flight" mentality that's innately embedded in our DNA, that has aided in humans' survival for millions of years, perhaps that's the purpose of having all of this strength......to simply survive!

      Typically, I'm always depressed however, and always saying how I want to kill myself, but let's be honest here.....there's no way I could ever leave this life willingly... After all, I have a beautiful and intelligent little girl, and we call her Aurora Leilani Marie. She is the reason I fight everyday to try and figure my shit out. I was never really about family until I had her. My family members will all have an introduction in their own little way soon, but enough of that right now. I want to just close my eyes and have everything that is in my head come out onto the screen without me having to do anything but merely think the words.

     Somehow I think I may be able to train myself to do something similar, but that is a different discussion. I have been through a lot at this "semi early" stage in my life. I'm getting divorced, yet still striving to be a good parent everyday. I struggle with my identity, but I know that at the very least,  I'm definitely no longer Mrs. Houston Delosh. Which was at one time, a title that meant a lot to me. But at the same time, it also took a lot away from who I was as an individual. I can say that being married wasn't all bad, and there were happy times....brief as they may have been. But I'm fortunate to have gotten out when my husband decided to cruelly tear our family apart. 

     In an effort to destroy me, with no thought of his own daughter, he made sure I had nothing for myself... like a place to live, a job, clothes, or anything else. 

     Drug addiction had also played a huge part in the breaking down of our relationship initially, but in retrospect, it honestly did me good. It may have ultimately destroyed us, but because of all the negativity that was present in our marriage as well, it truly helped to set me free. Addiction though, is probably the biggest reason why my life will never be the same. And I made the choice he wasn't ready for.....but I knew the only way to save my daughter and myself at that point, was simply to leave. 

     Coming from two completely different aspects of life, him being from a wealthy family and myself being from poverty, things were automatically hard from the beginning. He had mommy and daddy to rely on, while I only had myself. He didn't know much about what it was like to struggle, and so he didn't seem to be very proficient with overcoming obstacles or life's many challenges, and her seemed expected life to come without much struggle. And when the difficult times came in regards to our marriage, he was severely lacking in fortitude, and seemed unable to "man up", and take charge of the situation in order to hold our family together and be successful enough to see his us through to better times. Instead, he had given in to his own weakness and insecurity, no doubt stemming from his lack of maturity and experience in being a man, due to his family's wealth and privilege.

      I personally don't know too many mothers who would have made the choice that I had made for the reasons that I had made them, but I knew I had to get away from this man and take Aurora with me, no matter what. I wasn't even sure of how I would financially support her, or even know where I was going to be sleeping that night, but remaining there in that toxic environment with my daughter, was something I just could not do any longer. And so, I did everything that I could to keep her away from that situation. 

     I love my daughter more than anything, and would sacrifice everything to protect her from any harm. I would do anything so that she would never go without. Still...since the day I told her father I was done with the marriage, my life has not been without its catastrophic challenges, which have at times made my vows as a mother easier said then done, but I would never give up on trying to fulfill those vows, no matter what. I feel I am literally fighting the devil when it comes to my baby, and it is exhausting. Some days I want to throw in the towel and tell the devil he wins, but I just can't ever give up on my daughter like that. She means so much to me that whenever things get to feeling hopeless, all I need to do is to look at her face, and my hope is immediately restored.....my resolve is instantly bolstered....the flame within my spirit is reignited with the force of a supernova, and I continue on with renewed commitment, so that I will one day be able to see my daughter safe, happy, and content. If it takes my last breath of life to protect her and give her everything in this world, I shall gladly give it! 

     She is so much like me though, that it's frightening, and I hope it doesn't mean she will have my mental problems as well. I feel like I have dissociative disorder or multi personality disorder, and I am at constant battle with myself. If you ask me if I know who I am, I would have to say fuck no!