Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I could start at 8 but I'm going with what my intense feeling inside is now. I'm 37 now and the doctors told me to write a book on how I'm still alive. These past 2n half years ain't nothing but this is were ill start. I'm laying on my best friend red n Brandi couch because I finally walked out on Brian. He used me abused me pathological liar drunk drug addict yesterday said I'm worth nothing n deserve nothing when I'm disabled on SSD with two felonies. Will get to that.when I met him he worked a month n did fentanyl n got me on it. I was sober but packed my stuff n left n my chronic complex PTSD Dr was proud I did even tho I have no fam or friends all dead I chose to b homeless then b with wat they call a gaslighter n trust me he was one bad but that a half yr before I met Brian so I met him while I was homeless on the streets living by the river. I started to go to a bar everyday bc before that the first place I went he was a melostr n I froze when he touched my breast n my PTSD Dr had to remind me there's fight flight n freeze. I froze. N packed the next day n stayed on streets. I wouldn't take help bc guys r all perves I was even solicited once. I knew red but not that well but met him again at the bar n he was only person there that was genuine n cared n didn't hit on me. Bill liked me n said the wrong thing he said I caught my house on fire n killed my mom....which is way I ended up in Northside n took care of dad ten years dementia. Craziest muscularly man shivered to nothing I'm not going to lie that it was kinda of a weight of my shoulder bc it was just me n mom watching him n Drs said he would of died 4-6 yrs ago in a hom. But once again another subject. I was working but they stopped putting me on the schedule bc of this little kid saying I was hitting on customers lmao I don't hit on guys period not to be conceited at all I just find it's weird...I'm used to them hitting on me. Oh wait I did once he was way to good looking n had his act together so I said watch this n walked. Over to him n said omg hey how are I haven't seen you in forever omg how r u n how's ur gf lolol he said they r fine so I found out he's loyal a plus n got a girl lol. Other then that I never hit on anyone. Anywho. Brian I keys at the same bar it was a crazy summer I threw a bottle at Bill for saying I killed my mom n his mom who was in the bar I told n she called animal control on me bc I had my dog with me while homeless he was n is my best friend.   Everyone told me how great a guy Brian was but I was still devasted that my pill Dr left n I have no money or house to care but he was cute n funny. For those few months then he introduced me to fet n I introduced myself to coke id rather be anywhere n forget them b at pedophiles Al I call him. It took him to hit rock bottom to quit even tho I begged n asked bc I wanted more but he made me believe I couldn't have it n am just a loser n worthless that gained 40 pounds I'm so insecure now bc of him. But the times he left n I had to stay at reds I realized who I am more n Brian just mocked me n bitched me out for having a Convo then talking to Kev whose like 60 n he knows n I know bc I bartended to all these ppl at 23_25 n my dad's from here n noone dared fucked with me. Soche sold his truck bike house all for fet n everyone blames me that I got him on it! But he won't correct them! He gave me it n I'm not saying he got me on it but he gave me it n made sure I had it. I been clean since Jan now with 1 of where by the grace of God an varmy paramedic was off duty n ran over n narcaned me n gave me CPR. I could fill his air fill my lungs it was wild n I cried n left before cops came bc I'm not allowed contacts with cops. I'll explain later. So I stuck by him watched him nod out aalloott. Get no job I have less then I did when homeless never bought me anything never left my spirits..he just wants me to sit there n b quiet n listen to him when he's the liar I mean pathological liar even my PTSD therapist told me to call the bar when he said he got a side job n guess wat he didn't answer his cell but he sure the hell answered the bar! N MapQuest he's been a million places penn hills Braddock stuebenville Pike n on n on parks n such n never with me. I found over 5 emails he uses n he tried to lie when u clearly can see when u click an email it turns gray so I no he was using it. N a FB that he exchanged naked pics. Oh n did I mention I'm a massage therapist n he calls me a whore for it n this n that n y r u texting y don't they call n whose that? I don't do that to his biz n I can't even massage now bc I have nowhere too. It got to the point I threw a cutting bored at him n thru the window for calling me so many names when I did start back up like yr or yr n half ago. Ppl need meaning n purpose I can't just sit there n wait on him. He wakes up goes to bar goes to Northside till level or twelve at the bar worked two hours then bar. He leaves at 9 works 2 hours but ain't back till 5-6 oookkkkkkk I wasn't born yesterday. Like when ur Dr is proud your homeless n sleeping in ur jeep to escape a gaslighter then that's beyond red flags. He just wants to control me n I left bc I know he thought I never would or could bc my fam is dead n friends junkie or died during heroin epidemic n pill Drs. He actually called n said I'm moving out. I was kinda relieved. Yea it will b hard at first to forget him but Ihes not helping supporting or doing anything a romantic bf should. So I said go ahead I'll get my one pair paint tomorrow.vi don't even got a hoodie. N let's think he sold truck motorcycle house n trailer n guess wat I don't even got a bre socks hoodie T-shirt nothing . I'm no gold digger but an outfit would be nice. Red said I can stay here n get on my feet. I'm scared but I asked God to give me the answer n then Brian calls n says I'm moving so that was it. Then he calls again n says to block him. Then he texts n calls again .   Told u he didn't think I'd walk out.  NOONE OWNS ME I DONT CARE I ONLY GET 800 A MONTH ILL DIGURE OUT A LEGIT HUSTLE. AND I HOPE THE BEST FOR HIM BC HE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO SELL  Ohh n he blames me for not getting his job bc he got a felony which got dropped. I been beat alot il get to that but never been strangled to the point I'm blacking out so I called the cops n they took pics of my neck. He did it that hard that it looked like red n purple inch ring around my neck.vi dropped charges but he got to do battery classes n then they'll drop the felony. So it's my fault to him. Don't fucking touch me asshole. Then he took all my meds in past two days that I need for bipolar 1 pys hosis n OCD n ADHD n major depression n insomnia....he don't even remember jumping out my jeep. I drove to reds after that. He got kicked out of three bars then walked to reds n when he came in he took side of my face n pushed it over hard. If no one was here I would of snapped. Now that's just 4-5 days in the beginning he lied about being married or I would never got with him. I found out on a text they sent to escort n he had to sit me down n tell me. Reminded me how my dad must felt when he found out my mom cheating. Just completely broken in every way. He lied about having a kid n taking care of his ex wife's kid yea it took me two years to get him to get a divorce then wee broke n he leaves to Texas gabelston the only place he knows someone his ex wife's other ex n ironically gets a job there n leaves in a week n I find out he's talking to her again n another girl. He didn't have a truck for over a yr n I let him use my jeep n he went everywhere I mean everywhere such a liar. Even busted LIEING he still lies. He says technology is wrong but mine works fine n he lied about the stupidest things
 Map quest told me where he went n I never new all that including houses n I don't care. I can't sleep bc a whole beginning is happening n I'm scared nervouse excited n ahhh.....one time at the bar across the bar he yelled to the whole bar that I'm a whore a nobody piece of shit ECT ECT ECT to the point a paid someone to take me away. N he's beyond jelouse. I could go on. N I will but not now. 2 n half years I sat on my ass n did nothing bc he promised he'd get us out but couldn't get clean or leave the bar n I'm not sitting inside all day waiting on him. I think my prayers r answered I just need the courage to do it. Shit I got pj n his hoodie it's not like I need much ....that about 0.005percent of my life. I'll b back when I feel like writing n explaining the rest
Oh p.s. I think he thinks my trade means I'm a whore when I'm certified n went to school for two years because his friend paid for him to get a blow job at one of those massage white places.....1 if I knew that he did that I'd never go out with him bc that's just saying u degrade woman n r a pig n 2 I'm professional 3. Because Dave paid he said it don't count I so wish I knew this n not a like a yr n some in wat a disgusting pig.