Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I know what it feels like to lose a friend. I know what it generally feels like when one is slipping between my fingers. I've been through it many times. It's no easy task. People have been in and out of life. They come and go like the seasons change. I can't stop thinking about what this has come down to. And of course I don't want it to be the truth. But deep down it feels like this is where it ends. 

I don't want to say that I'm a jealous person. Even though, deep down I really am. But I know that's not what it is. When I put it off like I do I know it sounds a lot like it. But the truth is that it isn't jealousy. It's fear. I didn't know how to approach it when you'd gotten a new friend... I figured it wouldn't be hard to accept something like that. But over time the closer you got to her the more you drifted away from me. There may have been a little jealousy in there somewhere because you have been my friend for about seven years. I guess it hurt more that I was an easy replacement in your eyes. Because there hasn't been anyone I've come face to face with able to replace you as one of my best friends. But since I couldn't stand up to that title. I guess I have no choice but to accept it. I don't want to have to keep dragging myself around. The only thing that's been on my mind lately is how this new hole has been starting to form in my heart where you used to be. It's like my head wants to call you a traitor, but my heart wants to try to accept it. But it's hard to do that when my mind tends to go both ways. Yeah I'm sure she's a nice person, and a great friend. And believe me, I don't have the heart to say that you can't be friends with her, it's not like it's my place anyways. But she won't be someone that I'll accept in my own circle, because I don't have energy or the will to let someone in that's bound to break me again. I want to tell myself that it's not selfish. I'm just trying to protect myself. But selfishness seems to overrule that. It's that feeling of being alone that tends to eat at me. The times when I am told by our other friend that you don't have the desire to be around me anymore. That also hurts a little more than it should. I'm scared to be hurt again. And it seems like everytime the people that hurt me are the ones that are closest to my heart. But it's fine. I guess if it really comes down to it. I'll no choice but to let you go. Even if it'll take a chunk out of me to do it. If you want to go, then just do it. I'd rather you to look at me and tell me that you're done. Because I can't stand to be let down easy like this. I can't keep standing back and watching our friendship drift away. And if there is some way; I want to mend it. But it'll have to be something that you want to do too. 
I hope that when I tell you this. It won't be too hard on either one of us. Because all I really need is just a little assurance. Something to say that our friendship isn't going to fall apart like the signs around me has been telling me that it would. I want to be able to look back at this and look to as a low, but to see it as something that has made us stronger. And years from now. Maybe even laugh about, and think about how silly I was to think such a preposterous thing. But if fate says otherwise. Then I'll just have to look back on it and say that it was good while it lasted. And the chance that I got to be your friend is one that I won't forget. I'll just stick it in the file of the many good friendships I once had but lost. Cry a little over it and hope it's gonna be okay. It wouldn't be just a friendship that I'd lost, but someone who was like family to me. And I know that in the beginning I was hard to accept as a person. But you was one who overlooked those flaws and imperfections. I'd say that you gave me a chapter of life that really made me the person that I am today. But if anything I don't want that chapter to end here. I want to be friends for many more years to come. And just maybe everything will be alright.