Random Thoughts Of The Night. Read Count : 87

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Jazz like whiskey, rough around the edges and only loved by some.... A hot, humid night, windows open, sitting on the fire escape.. Heart broken, cigarette in one hand, jazz playing in the background and you watch the cars driving and you think "One day, I'll find my soulmate." 


The darkness sometimes consumes me, but I hear his soul calling me out of the oblivion and into the light. The potential of him and the home I would have with him keep me going...


His words are magical to me now.. I never thought I would have understood how a simple notification would make my heart flutter, stomach have butterflies, and feel such nervousness... 


Does he mean those sweet nothings he types? Does he know what his laugh does to me? Does he know the shivers I feel down my spine when he says that he appreciates me? Appreciates me.... He says he enjoys our chats. Am I falling down the rabbit hole of hurt? Am I falling asleep to warning signs? He's mentioned a few things. Should I be alarmed and run? Why do I want to run to him, with reckless abandon. I want to present myself to him, head down, kissing the ground he walks on, begging for a chance to live in the sunshine his love would give.


I want to see if our bodies react on a primal level. If we just sink into each other's eyes. If we fit together..  Would our first time bring tears? Would he say I feel like home? Would he just want to break me, just because he can? Would he laugh at me if I wake up from a nightmare from a demonic presence from a time long ago? Would he hold my face, kiss away my fears, tears and let me know I belong to him? Would he love every scar? Would he whisper in my ear that he desired me from millennia? Were we together in a past life? Was he my King and I just worshipped him from afar? 


Are our souls made from the same stardust? When we intertwine, would it be like every damn thing made sense? Would we just stay intertwined, hold each other, cry, and our kisses taste like the salt from ancient oceans? Do our souls scream for each other? Or am I just willfully thinking? 


Are my thoughts running away? Is my heart beating too much for the idea of him? Is my heart beating too fast too soon? What will he do when he's seen the damage I gave to the body of the one he owns, in those darkest hours? Will he pin me down, kiss me while I cry and just whisper with each stroke that I'm his? Will he still want me? 


Would he see the battles I fought alone by my scars? Would he look at me differently? Would he be more interested in just seeing how far he could break me? Please, Universe, don't let this one hurt...

Millions of 'what if' questions swirling in my heart, head, and pit of my soul. A million questions I want to ask him. Millions of seconds, millions of minutes, and millions of thoughts crossed my mind without him. Can I go on for just one more without him now? 


I don't want to know. I only want to know the way his hand wraps around my throat, his hot breathing on my neck, his lips on mine, his body against mine feels. I want to know every single bad thing he's ever done, looking him straight in the eye and whispering, so only his ears hear me. I want to whisper to him "It's ok, the past was the past. All that matters is that we have each other."


I think we could last forever.... I'm scared of everything falling apart... I'm scared of being absolutely shattered by the fact that I gave away my heart, if I'm just a notch to him. He doesn't seem like that type. He seems so real... Appearances can be deceiving though. He says he knew though...  Am I just reading too much, hoping too much, and praying too much? 


Pull yourself together girl. You have to stop taking leaps for someone that would step over a crack for you. You're not worth much, Void. Stop the thinking. Just breathe.


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