Category : Poems

Sub Category : N/A

I found an old notebook of mine the other day. It was poems nobody had ever read, thoughts I've never shared, and letters that I never sent. So it was no surprise when after finding these letters, it sent me into a tailspin of darkness and depression that's had me trying to avoid life ever since. And that's okay.

Except it's really not. 

I'm great at reaching out to friends, loved ones, and even complete strangers when they're lost in that darkness. I'm not so great at reaching out or grabbing hold of hands that reach out to me) when I'm the one that's lost. And that's okay. 

Except it's not. 

I've got to be strong, right? I've got to be the one that shows everybody tht it can be done. I've got to do it on my own because I've always done it on my own. The rare times in my life I've let people in far enough to see that side of me, they've always vanished in the aftermath. They couldn't handle it. And that's okay. 

Except really it's not. 

Even now I'm contemplating that delete key, thinking about discarding this post as easily as some has discarded me. And that's okay, too. 

Except it's not. 

How many people are lost to a darkness on any given day, because they would rather lose themselves than risk losing the ones they love? How many people choose to just quit, convincing themselves that their loved ones would be better off without them? 

So this is me, saying I'm not okay. Maybe next week I will be. Hell, maybe tomorrow I will be. But right now I'm thinking about poems never published and letters never sent. I'm thinking about people who are dead and people who are just gone. I'm thinking about the me I used to be, and the me I'll never be, again. 

And that really is okay, even if I'm not. 

Because healing is painful. It's messy, and it's ugly, and it has no schedule. It's finding old notebooks and facing lost truths. It's screaming so loudly that only silence can contain the sound of it. 

It's making peace with the parts of yourself no one else can accept, and learning to love those parts, regardless. 

And sometimes it's hitting send instead of delete, and shining a light on all of it. 

Even when you're not okay.