WONDERING Read Count : 134

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
There is iterally not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I wonder why you are with someone new again. Are you really happy? Deep inside I don't think you are. You are not really okay. I know you want to be. You are doing everything to find what you have lost. I just wish I could talk to you. I miss seeing your face. I have to search the internet just to look into your eyes. It makes me so sad. Why were we never able to just talk to each other? Why can I never have you close to me? Why does life have to be so hard to live? It gets harder still. I see and hear it everyday. This world is coming to an end. We can't escape from what's coming. Time is running out for us and I know I will never find the closure I desperatly need. Trying to find it in writing. Words you probably will never see. Everyone is smiling,  but I know that none of us are truly happy. I know deep down inside everyone cries. It is not my fault that you engraved yourself so deeply into my heart. You made it so easy for me to love you. So easy for me to love you in this way.   
Even after you tried to hurt me so many times. I was not angry when I wrote that letter to you. You could not make me hate you. You tried. You failed. You just made me very, very sad. A sadness that I still carry around with me every day. I wonder if God will accuse me for still loving you that much. It won't be fair, because I loved you first. You made sure of that. Now I still don't know how to handle it. There is no book that tells me how I should deal with you. I have to keep myself so busy that I won't have time to think about you. I am so, so tired of life. My spirit, my body, my heart. I have fought too many battles alone. I see myself getting older by the day. See the grey overtaking the dark hair of the girl that once was me. And here I'm crying again. I'm losing her and that means I'm going to lose this. The only thing I have of you. Really losing you forever. I don't think I'm strong enough yet to really let go if you like that.  If I can never have the happiness that my heart has yearned for for so long, then I have to find some other kind of happiness. I just don't know what that kind of happiness would look like. Well, this is just me. Just breathing my heart into words in a life without you. 


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