Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
It is ironic. When I wrote those words to you I never thought it would be true.
Especially after everything. 
I poured my heart out to you again one day. You told me that your wife knows everything and that you don't keep secrets from each other. You told me to please leave you alone. It was like a knife stabbed into my heart. I cried. It was the first time that someone made me feel so ashamed of myself. I never expected it to come from you. The one person I loved more than life. Like I was just another one of the women you picked up and wanted to get rid of. Like I never ment anything. I have'nt spoken to you since then, vowing to hate you.
Long after that I saw you again. The moment our eyes met, even after all the years that went by, I knew I still loved you so much. I could never hate you even if I tried. (Telling myself you had to be that cruel to me because you had no other choice. It was the only way that you could protect yourself.) That intense feeling between us was still there. Stronger than ever, even through all these years. 
I could not keep my eyes off you that night, feeling that force pulling me to you, wanting to give in but forbidden to. Always trying to resist it. All these years I tried to resist it. Your mother and wife looked like they were gaurding you. Not wanting me near you. I felt the shame all over again. Before you left, when I looked into your eyes again you were staring at me. I knew you still felt it too. You felt it and you tried to resist it too, not being able to give in. There is so much more than a mountain standing between us, keeping us apart. I saw it in your eyes. I knew your heart so well. Then you were gone. My heart breaking all over again. 
If we could only have talked the way I do now, we would have been okay. Now strangers are reading this. People who never knew me. I just need someone to hear me. Anyone who won't judge me.
There is a part of me that still hopes that you would stumble across this and read all of it. Even if our circumstances will never change. I hope with my whole heart that you would understand me better. I am still breathing, still fighting every day, because I am comforted by the fact that you are still out there. Living and breathing. That gives me courage to go on. Even if I may never hold you again, I still hope in some way this brings some comfort. Knowing that someone out there will always love you. Forever.


  • Mar 15, 2023

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