Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

He was your best friend, but it did'nt happen the way you think.
I came to say goodbye to you that day. I wanted you to know how I still feel. You were gone so suddenly. I send you a card, hoping for a reply, but you never even cared to send me a message. I was coming up the stairs one day and there you were. The sight of you taking my breath away. But you were standing next to her. (He told me about her before.) You came to see her.
You made it so clear that you did'nt want me anymore and my heart felt dead inside. Not caring or feeling anything, but the hurt and pain when I slept with him. It was the moment he first kissed me that I knew. l was still so very much in love with you. But it did not matter anymore, so I ignored my heart. I gave everything to him, without ever once feeling what I felt with you.
I became pregnant and every dream I ever had shattered to pieces. 
You attended our wedding, but refused to be his best man. You did not stay for the reception. 
I was forced to see you with someone else all the time.
I had to hear about all the women you had, one after the other.
Breaking my heart every time, all the time. (And then you had to ask me if I am okay. How could you never see or notice that you were the reason?!) How could I ever tell you when I find it so hard to look into your eyes. I was so afraid that I would break down and cry in front of you if I do. 
I tried to fill that empty space by getting pregnant again and you asked me how I think you're suppose to feel about it. You never told me how you really feel. I knew how I always felt. I could not tell you. I did not know what to make of what I was feeling then. That was the time he found out that I still had feelings for you. I never saw him so angry. He pushed me onto the bed. His hands tight around my neck, almost strangling me. I wish I did die that day, because I was forced to see you every day knowing that I can never be with you. 
He told me not long ago that everything makes sense to him now. The way I always acted around you. I came to realized the reason after so long. You are the love of my life. You always have been and always will be. That is what he still does not know and I will never tell him.
All I ever wanted was to be yours, but in every way that was right and beautiful. This is what still gets me. This is what made me cry everytime. It still does. It makes me cry everytime I think about what we could have been and could have had. All I ever wanted and dreamed about was taken from me. That is why I will never be over you, because I was never his.

On your wedding day I cried. I had saw your babies. You and her walking hand in hand. I wanted to run out of the door right then and there. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to die. But I was forced to be silent, only watching the two of you. 
There was the time that I was forced to sit in the only open seat and that was next to you. The first time in years that we were that close. I was so nervous that I could not look into your eyes when I spoke to you. I would have broken down and cry if I did. I cannot cry in front of your whole family and in front of your wife. Everytime when we were in the same room you bolted for the door. As if you could not stand to be near me that long.
You moved on. I wish I was that strong.