Category : Poems

Sub Category : N/A

I never knew what it meant to love yourself... I got used of giving love to someone who ain't me..but I try by every means to love the next person.. I  have to do it. Then Always apologising even if it's not my fault. It kept hurting when it was supposed to to make me happy. I was too fast with  rewarding n  poor being kind, It was too soon.

It continues going on and on. But ill be the one left crying...Everytime I feel empty, Everytime I give. Every single tear I cried thinking I wasn't enough...

That was the moment I thought to my self that this ends right here,I'm switching how things are done. If I keep loving like Im used to..but I build a wall between the love that I'm  aware of and can give freely..snip snip I cut a lot of relationships.. The heart darkened and it didn't want a explanation..it was in pain, it couldn't bare to be bruised again.. Everytime it tries to heal. I was left alone with no one..there was no one I could randomly call, laugh and have decent conversation with.

. I had a lot of questions about the things that happened and that I don't deserve. I recalled incidents that hurt me. As I go through them and cry once again. Even though my heart could not bare that at times. It still will cry two days straight.. 

I got scared, I hid my face from the people who thought they knew me and those I loved the most. I became bored and I started reminiscing about the good old days and how I used to feel. I'll laugh at some of the stuff I used to experience and the scenarios that left me In my feelings every time..I had to think about the happy moments and course them sad ones too..  Its sickening today, it irritated me.. tomorrow it becomes a lesson learned, then it becomes painful again.

I had more hatred in me.. love was there but the pain caused hatred and you could easily see it without me even saying it..  . I tend to have body language tendencies  and I'll leave the next person sad without even thinking ...I'm just angry and it's deeper than that.. I became dark... dark as the clouds above the trees,before the storm and it consistent as the Strom itself. I've left people miserable and
gave zero fucks, I sat alone. I had felony thoughts, I had an urge for revenge. I hated myself.. I was so mean to myself..  I was afraid how I think of myself, I was scared of myself..of how easily the words that came out their mouth hurt me..how many bridges i burnt and how much fear I had of me.. I couldn't even look into a mirror to see me cause I didn't see no reflection.


There nothing else to do. I was out of energy, I'll cry but tears wont help rebuild . I'll stare blankly knowing that therr was no love from self to self. I just felt like my time was wasted for me to be here on Earth hurting whiles I could be somewhere else doing something productive. 

I had to beg myself, I wrote a lot of letters to myself ...how I understood the pain even though there was no one to help me. I'll apologize and  buy my self small gifts just to win myself over. Persuade myself to dress up and go out with myself. It really sounds impossible right? how can one convince oneself to love their selves.. I figured that maybe my mistake is being here angry at myself for not paying to much attention to myself. Guess if you have to put it that way  then " Loving yourself is difficult"  then yes it is. 

Ive tried spiritual things and thought maybe if I could just look at myself then I  could help them to trigger the love in me and share it to myself. I have to admit that I used to not understand meditating and listening to nothing..well after I tried a couple of times I realised that I was actually listening to my own cries I had to myself. I lowered my head down to let the universe guide me. I became someone else and it was good to be in that position

I made sure I cried and I was not still crying....because I am still hurt and still looking for validation from people..but I felt proud and I found a way to love myself. I'll educate myself, more learning about different beliefs  and cultures so that I don't see myself being manipulated into being someone I'm not. 

"Love yourself" isn't something that happens overnight,or even over a week, or after a month...it's a life style, yes it is t is a way of 
 Iliving..in your space and actually not ready by any chance..i depend on someone to love me. Doing my hair myself, trying to look cute..itsa way of loving myself and building an image about who I am and learning everyday to forgive all the things i couldn't forgive myself for ..instead of trying to make excuses about people's behavior...to maintain the lifestyle I wanted to live going forward.

This loving myself journey attracted a lot of good vibes for me. I became friends with people I never thought would look at me twice. I have thdamnse confidence that requires no alteration of words. Being me makes other people being themselves. It's a love that is very different from the rest. This one gets you too much fragile and too observant and working everyday onto building an amazing human being that will even make those who once thought I wasn't strong weak. 

Although it sounds like a hard journey but it also comes with benefits of being complimented each day. Not necessarily with one thing but everything I do even if blinking. It's a journey. It is long but it has great experiences.