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Sub Category : Miscellaneous

Because it is the second time around and because I am 10 years older and presumably wiser and more knowledgeable, one would think that I would be less naive, more logical and clear headed, less hopeful. But I have realised that hope..has very little to do with knowledge. Hope, I think has more to do with love than knowledge. Faith of course plays an important role too but knowledge - very little it seems. I have seen many many people in their last days, their blood and imaging reports. I know now how it all goes down (well many of the times anyway). So I have been convinced that I am no longer ignorantly hopeful, that I have been successful in turning cold- to an extent that can allow me to be objective about the prognoses of patients. I am not willing to admit that I am wrong about my conviction. I will instead admit that you cannot be objective and clear headed when it comes to the people you care about, the number of years in your experience certificate do not really matter. Once you get attached, your judgement is clouded. And if you have faith, even the tiniest bit like I do and you have someone you are very attached to..you have hope. Even when you know that if anyone else presented with the same symptoms and signs and reports and what not, you would certainly be convinced of a very dire prognosis. The knowing does nothing to your hope. Sure you get a bit disappointed when the urine output is consistently low and improvement in other areas too is minimal at best, but you cannot let yourself think that they might leave -very soon. No..you think that they will get better, even if the ascites seems refractory now and all things point toward a grim end. You hope against all hope, knowing that it will take a miracle for them to heal completely and you actually believe they will. Logic is driven to the side. I have lamented over how naive I was many years ago for the same kind of hope that was so irrational and have been able to forgive myself only by reminding myself that I did not know any better then. I know better now, yet here I am..hoping again. So I know, hope has very little to do with knowledge. Faith-yes..hope takes faith, but I'm guessing not much because I have been running a bit low on that too lately. Therefore, I am now convinced that hope takes a little bit of faith and a whole lot of love (I am assuming this can only be love). You cannot be human and not be hopeful about a loved one's prognosis, especially when you know The Lord who has sustained them thus far has the power to fully heal and restore them. So I hope and I pray and I wait. I continue to care and love in the ways I know how. I cannot think of how things would be if they do not turn out the way I want them to, my mind is maybe not trained for that..not yet anyway. I also try to make sure I do not have regrets this time around, just in case. Love makes you blind yes-prognosis blind even and being naive about such things is okay. At least, that is what I tell myself, for it is not everyday that you come across someone you deeply care for. It certainly is not for me.

 I have also realised one other thing- love can take many forms and having to rearrange your whole schedule to do something for someone AND not having it feel like a burden, instead being happy to do it for them is definitely one form of love. It has to be. Especially for someone whose primary love language is 'acts of service'. Oh don't you make that face now, all the usual symptoms -of caring about them, wondering how they are doing- are present too.  In the area of romantic love, I may not have my love requited very soon- hope in that area is remarkably dim but I am no longer sad about that. I have loved in many people in many ways ( friends, family , special kind of friends) and now I love in another way and this time I feel very fulfilled. Because this time I feel that my love is being accepted without any complaints, acknowledged and appreciated. I am not burdened by expectations because there are none, I give what I can give, they receive it gladly and I expect nothing in return. I get all the joy from being able to express my feelings in the ways I know how- very unconventional ways they are. Being a person who has always been "a little too much" for everyone, this gives me a lot of happiness. It has taken away from me the unfulfilled need for at least one love to be requited. I am content now. While saying all this, I realise I that I am need of psychoanalysis. Is it just a narcissistic thing, this thing that I am feeling and doing? Where does this feeling stem from? Oh there are many questions but I have decided to block all those thoughts and just live for once without psychoanalysing myself to bits. I see no harm in this matter except... I'll have to let someone else prognosticate them from a more objective standpoint. I prove to be useless in this particular case. I shall only continue to monitor and love and pray and hope till the miracle that I am praying for comes to pass. Love is prognosis blind, but faith is not. I know the Lord can heal him if He so wills it and I shall pray everyday for exactly that.