Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Shattered beauty is what I call myself in secret. Nobody has ever known this, at least not as far as my memory goes. Shattered beauty is who I am, who I was, and who I became after my first breakdown; who I’m always going to be. My first breakdown was around the age of twelve, again at fourteen, another time at about fifteen years old, and now at eighteen years old I’m having another serious psychotic break. I try to make the effort of remembering why I always cherish my breath, the air I breathe, and my life. Although I have learned this same lesson a couple times before, through being face to face with death, I somehow lose my focus on cherishing the sweet thing we call life.
   I started smoking weed when I turned eighteen, and then I convinced myself it was my medicine that stopped working as well. Maybe my medicine did stop working as well, but once my doctor changed my medicine to a different drug at a much lower dose, I stopped taking them altogether; because I believed I could be stable until I got into a psychiatrist a couple months after I stopped taking my medication. That is where I made my mistake, and started destroying myself again. It’s a hard things to really understand and comprehend, for anybody. Mental health doesn’t always make sense, and unless you’re a professional, none of us truly understand why our mental health is the way it is. It’s almost impossible for any of us to explain, but for me there is a way to admit my truth for my mental health. For me, I unintentionally self destruct. I make decisions on impulse and can’t make up my mind a lot of the time. My mind has naturally developed the habit or thinking a mile a minute, my mind spins out of control with every thought I could think about my current life. I keep myself from being happy, because what I truly deserve isn’t what I want when I’m in my darkest lows. I block out what I need because my depression hypnotizes me to believe that the fake fixes, the temporary happiness, is what I want. Truthfully, my mind is a battlefield of what I want vs what I need.