Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Daddy's little girl 

I grew up wanting my daddy, 
Wanting him to love me like no other man could, teach me to ride my bike through the neighborhood, I wanted him to check for monsters under my bed,wanting warm hugs and feeling safe within his arms. My daddy spent most of my life behind bars. He was never around until I was older. I begged my mommy to let me go live with him and from Texas I went back to my home state, Cali. I finally got to see my daddy. 

It started off great, he spoiled me and bought me everything, it was as I always dreamed. Until one night I was laying in my bed, my daddy was outside drinking from noon till late night. That's when he came in my room, he layed beside me and put his arms around me and I thought to myself "ok, this is alright". For a brief moment I felt safe and protected, and before I could react my daddy put his hand in my pants, he whispered in my ear and said "I love you baby" and he held me there. I instantly felt the most fear, I layed there frozen, and then when daddy was done,He rolled over and I made sure to stay very quiet until I was sure he was asleep. In that moment I snuck out of my room and broke out in tears. The man I thought was going to keep me safe and secure broke my heart into a million pieces. I cried and I asked God why! I just couldn't understand why.  

I woke up that next morning and sat down to eat. I heard my daddy coming. I froze, sitting in my seat I peeked up to look at him. I wanted to see if he was as hurt as me. But he wasn't. His look on his face was as if nothing had happened. He even came up and took a seat next to me. He leaned over and kissed my head and said "I love you baby" and went on to eat. I couldn't believe he could do that to me and not even care. I wondered if he even remembered. 

Not long after I called up my mommy and told her I wanted to go back home with her. I didn't tell her why. I couldn't. I felt so disgusted and nasty. 10+ years went by and within that time I struggled with those demons that I locked deep down inside. I took every drug you can think of to keep myself numb. Eventually the drugs didn't work anymore,i was taking so many and chased them with alcohol. Nothing was working anymore. Those demons crept out and I had to get help. I called my mom to pick me up. I told her what had happened so many years ago. All she could do was hold me and cry. I told her I was ready to die. Her heart broke for me,but she got me some help. I got clean and started sharing this story. I'm a little stronger now but all I wish is for him to die. He ruined me. He doesn't  deserve to go on being happy when I'm a wreck. 

The whole situation ruined my life,my relationships don't last,i feel I can't trust anyone. I know I'm not the only one with this story to tell,so I write this with a heavy heart but hopes that one day I will overcome it. It isn't our faults but that pain and disgust never really goes away,or does it?