Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
I thought it would get easier through the years.
Not having you in my life.
Facing the fact that it never will.
I still remember your birthday.
The exact date, month and year.
Every year on that day I wonder what you are doing and who you are with.
You loved the colour green.
I remember the funny way you mixed your food before you ate.
(I wonder if you still do that. :) )
You dropped my plate by accident.
(You were so angry at yourself.)
You kissed me in my room to the song 'Words don't come easy.'
(Yeah, I know you have a sad smile on your face right now.)
You did reveal your heart to me in your kiss.
You always did.
I remember how nervous you got with me.
I remember all the pictures on your bedroom wall.
Things you wanted to do and become.
(And you did that for a while, while your dreams lasted.)
You gave me your red jacket and to feel closer to you I slept in it.
Keeping your picture next to my bed so that your face is the first I see when I woke up every morning.
I can still hear Evanescence playing in your room.
I remember waking up one time while we were there and I saw you.
Laying in your back with your hands behind your head,
Staring up at the ceiling, deep in thought.
You were the only person I ever opened up my heart to.
You were the only one I shared everything with.
The only one I had that connection with.
You still are.
There was the day we were all together on the farm.
We went for a drive and we held each other the whole way.
I will never forget how right and perfect that felt.
You were everything I needed.
You came and filled the emptiness inside of me.
Holding me, kissing me, loving me and caring about me the way you did.
Standing up for me and defending me the way you did.
We were young, but we had something so special.
It would have grown into something so much more. Something so beautiful and amazing that would have lasted for the rest of our lives.
We had everything and you let it slip through your fingers.
You let me go.
Now you tell me, after all these years, that I am the one.
That alone is enough to destroy me.
It almost did.
Now I have to start living the life God gave me.
I have to live by His principles or I won't survive.
We reap what we have sown, as His word says will happen.
That is our own fault.
No-one else's.
You only now feel what I have felt all the time, all these years.
God won't judge me for still loving you. (He knows I have loved you first, right from the start.)
He will judge me for breaking His principles.
He will judge me for breaking everyone's heart and ruining their lives.
I don't want to continue reaping pain and sorrow because of us.
I will never again have what I had with you.
I still have to make peace with that and treasure what He did give me.
A husband who still stands by me and still loves me, even after knowing and seeing my worst.
That is His grace in my life.
That is what He has given me.
I have to start building on that.
We are getting the right marraige counceling now.
The Biblical kind.
The first rule is to break all contact with you.
(They don't know what we wrote.)
Here I am breaking that rule.
But I have to leave these words here, before I dissapear completely.
(Because I can never talk to you ever again.)
It is not fair.
There is so much that I still want to tell you.
Never being able to do that ever again.
That breaks me.
But no, I won't give up.
(This is what is happening right now.
In case you will wonder why I never write again.
Can't leave you in the dark.)
All these years I let my love for you get in the way of my marraige.
It changed me into someone I never wanted to be.
It kept me from being the wife and mother God wanted me to be.
It kept us from moving forward.
It is not fair to him.
All he ever did was love me, care for me and protect me.
Staying loyal to me all these years.
He only see you as bad because off all that you have done and said.
He will never now the man deep inside that I love.
I got so scared, nervous and excited all at the same time, just being close to you.
You took my breath away and I struggle just to speak to you.
You fill me completely.
Every part of me.
My thoughts, my heart, my soul, my senses.
I am so tied to you in a way that I can never explain or understand.
Everytime it comes to you, I let my emotions run away with me,
upsetting everyone around me, including you and your family.
I never meant to hurt anyone.
I am so sorry I did that.
I can't stay in this place with you any longer.
God does not want me to.
He wants me to heal.
I will never heal if I stay in the past.
I just want to thank you.
Thank you for finally sharing what you have been carrying in your heart all this time.
That is all I ever wanted.
The truth.
Thank you for trusting me with that.
I will treasure and remember it always.
You are everything to me.
But God says I have to let you go.
Even if it means still loving you and missing you (so very much) for the rest of my life. 
I have to.
It is time.
Time to heal from this.
I remember the day of your sister's wedding.
You were making a comment to my son about my dress, touching me lightly, while my heart was screaming for you to hold me.
Knowing that you can't.
I think about your sister often.
She was the best friend I ever had.
She was here and gone the next.
I still miss her, but I know where she is and I know that she is happier than she ever was here.
Life is too short to waste.
Our lives too fragile.
God can take anyone of us away, any time, in an instant if He chooses to.
All I want is for you to be happy.
Treasure what He has given you while you still have it.
That is His grace to you.
This is not just another goodbye.
This is farewell.
Maybe we will see each other again someday.
But that is for God to decide.
Seek His word, seek Him always.
Let His word saturate your heart and guide you where you need to be.
Only then you will find peace and healing too.
Till my last breath I'll be praying this for you.
With all of my love and all of my heart.
(Where I will always keep you)

Your Silent Angel


  • Apr 22, 2023

  • Apr 22, 2023

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