I Didn't Want What Happened To Us (Updated Again) Read Count : 172

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I knew I'd be left with an unfillable void after you. 
It's still never been truly filled. 
I lost everything that day, myself, us, my heart was shattered believe me it was.
I've never told anyone about how much I cried back then.
I didn't leave the house except to go get black out drunk over and over just to not feel what I was feeling for even the slightest bit of time. 
You were and still are the one person I truly fell in love with and the fact is, I could never stop.
I've hoped to run into you so many times, but also didn't because I was afraid of what I let them force me to do and how it changed you, or that you hated me, and you wouldn't forgive me. 
I grew distant, just like you did, for a good while, until drinking and pills took over and I resembled a ghost to most people.
I lost who I was when I did what I did, I need you to know that, I didn't want us to end, that was never the plan. I was angry at myself, for a very long time I was angry, and because I let it happen I hated myself. I'm sorry I hid that from you, it wasn't the right way to handle it. That's what I wanted to say when you noticed I looked like I wanted to say something. She was right to say I never stopped loving you, I just didn't believe in myself enough at that point to believe you might have felt the same.
Right now, I've reached the point where I finally know there will never be another like you, and I've pushed things so far down it took till now with just a few songs and specific lines of lyrics to know it.
No amount of I'm sorries can ever fix what I did, but I will do better for myself, and I wish I could say us here, the best of my life has always been our time together, the only times I can even remember being happy. I shut myself off from all this for far too long and I'm trying to forgive myself, but we both never wanted it to end and that thought alone destroys me. 
My self hatred stemmed into a lot of shitty situations, ended up letting more and more people make choices for me, I ruined friendships, hurt people, I kept ghosting people, kept cancelling on people after they went out their way to invite me, what's worse was I didn't notice how much it was truly effecting everything around me, and then it hit a point where talking to strangers online as a way to cope became an everyday thing. I felt worthless when we broke up, a failure, half of my soul was gone (still feels half gone)... I've been trying so hard to find my way back. 

Your music has guided me to a point I needed to be at. If you ever see this, thank you, I needed to hear it. 

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