Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

My Stress

Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed by so many different things. Trying to keep up my grades in college. Trying to open myself up to a new world at work. Trying to help my two best friends cram for a wedding that they're looking to have in four months. Trying to help him pick out the engagement ring. Tying to help her look for wedding dresses and wedding venues. Trying to help him find the perfect spot to propose. Trying to help them rush into something so quickly. Trying to help them write their vows. At the same time trying to please my mother. Trying to pick up that 72 in math. Trying to cram in an English report due at the end of the term. Trying to catch up in my online A&P class by December 11th. Trying to keep my grade in Psychology class at least above an 80. Trying to get my shit together all at once, but God knows that I'm struggling to do it. I'm trying to push so much on myself all at once. Thinking that maybe I could actually do it. Thinking that I could carry the weight of two worlds on my shoulders. Thinking that I'm more capable than I think I am. Thinking that hey I'm just an idiot for believing that I could do this all on my own. Thinking that maybe I should ask for help. Thinking that maybe I should do more for myself. Thinking that maybe I'm just pathetic and can't do anything better. Thinking that maybe there's a time to give up. Thinking that I can't keep pushing myself like I do. Because all of it is stressing me out more. I want to be there for my friends, but I don't want it to be my place to write their vows for them, nor plan their wedding, or help them make decisions for them. I want them to make decisions on their own, to be able to stand without me. I don't want to fail my classes, I want to be able to finish the term and pass them. I don't want to keep doing nothing, I want to make something of myself. I want to be somebody. I want to be successful. I want to help people but I don't want to help myself. Does that make me selfish? Does it make me a bad person? I want to be alone, but deep down my heart can't stand it. I want help, but my mouth can't ask for it. I want peace, but my heart won't give it. I want a moment to breathe, but my lungs won't allow it. I want to take a moment, but time won't stop. I want to make new friends, but my heart can't open up. I want to be a lot of things that aren't me. I want to be somebody. I want someone to at least believe that maybe I'm important too. I want to stop living in this corner, but my depression won't let me. I want someone to break me free, but I won't let myself out. I want to stop crying to myself, but I can't let it out in front of anyone. I want to stop carrying this burden... But I just won't let myself let it go. Everything around me is just drowning me. I don't get to have a breather. I don't get to have a moment of peace. It's one thing after the other. And I just can't take it. Not like this. Not by myself. I want support. I need it. I yearn for it. I want love. I need love. I want someone out there to hear me. To tell me, "Hey Tay it's okay to let go. I've got your back." I want people to stop telling me it's all going to get better, it's all just a phase. It'll pass over soon. I keep acting like everything's fine, but I know it's not. I keep lying to myself. Telling myself I'm okay. I need someone to be there for me when I need it. I need help. God... Somebody I need help. To get out of this hell. To get out of this prison.
I don't need your lectures, I don't need a counselor, I don't need your suicide notes and numbers or whatever the hell you call it. I just need a reason to keep going. I just need someone to help me let go of this stress. I just need to let go of my stress, to let go of my anger, to let go of my pain and sorrow. I just... Need. To. Let. Go. 

But I just don't know how. Should I just let it roam free, or lock it inside. Should I try to fight it or should I hide. Or should I just let my stress get the best of me?