Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

               When I First Met You 


Before I met you 
didn’t know I was stressed and trapped 
and can’t get out of my high school past, 
all because of the traumatic incident related 
letting go and moving on from my teenage crush, 
I had been discriminated all because I can’t accept the reality of just being friends and just letting go. 
It makes me feel terrified to believe in the reality 
because this happened to me when I was young,
ever since then it still terrified me, when I first met you I felt terrified to be humble and honest with you, I didn’t know how you would take it. 
Before I met you 
I had many negative doubts that I won’t have, 
my fairytale happily ever after all because I felt 
terrified of the ending of a relationship, due to the trauma that causes it that other people won’t understand. 
Other people hated it when I can’t accept the reality of just being friends, and just let go 
without any negative doubts holding me back. 
I am a person who yearned for life long relationship without a depressing ending but, 
that fantasy won’t work in reality is only in my dreams, many negative experiences thrown at me 
I have no choice but to believe in my fantasy. 
Is not because I wanted to there’s no other option 
I can go to 
when I met you 
felt terrified of being humble and honest with you 
because you may not want anyone, who 
has anxiety over, the ending of a relationship. 
You yearned to have someone who can 
be behave like an adult without any anxiety 
over letting go and moving on, or just being friends. 
I am not the kind of person who can stay friends, or let go of a relationship that easily, 
due to my childhood trauma, related to the end of a romantic relationship. 
I am someone who can be triggered and annoyed when other people force me just to be friends, rush me into letting go and moving on with my life 
it only makes me worse than better, 
they won’t understand why I won’t budge 
the trauma I had was only ending of a relationship 
causing me, to be who I am today. 
That won’t change me either way 
is not my fault or I am the blame for this 
nobody knew how sensitive I am 
when they bring up my past and talk about it with their Christian friends or their best friends, behind my back without me knowing it, only can make me 
say or behave in an aggressive and threatening manner. 
If they want to talk about my triggering past 
can they keep it to themselves? 
if they want to talk about my pain from the past 
can they control themselves not to talk about it 
because this is related to my past that I am not ready to do because Is related to my emotional state that I am not ready to let anybody know about it because still related to what my ex-boyfriend went through and what he has felt 
that I am not ready to share with anybody.