What Now Anyone Care Read Count : 24

Category : Notes/work

Sub Category : N/A
Riding the bus from Portland to astoria I begin to see and dream like awake state play out the bus crashing then I start talking usually in my head but sometime s slip s out my mouth in whispers just about already s with tears at most times it's happened lately I survive no one on the bus does sometime s a young woman drunk driving who causes the accadent I wounded help from trapped in car sometimes the car blows up some times I magically unknowing anything medical prevent her death with some of f wall crazy thing completely engrossed in scenario being her and myself so real I start to cry I know wonder why I survive when truth is I really just want death to take me out of this hell.. but not only does it happen on bus but at times alway s pretty much evolves death of sometimes myself or dear ones like I'm dreaming but awake enough to kinda create it yet once it starts I don't stop to change it I think now why is that the ones that don't involve death are unimaginable scenarios like being magical or something completely different or relieved if my being Jennifer and returning to my real self with money respect property strength and lots of close people I can trust I call them day dreams but they feel like unrealistic fantasy thinking I'm just trying to escape being me cause I never seem to like me even though I'm my dearest friend I'm still my evil enemy certain quiet moments there's several single voices like the voice of ones inner voice mine vary drastically at times some wish me death or harm claiming they know the real me and I'm evil then there are ones that speak wise words some just scream some male some old some foreign some quiet but always invisionwd sitting in my brain dealing with issues I create by my actions it's hard cause I can't explain this is first time it actually coming out somewhat right sounding think of sharing with daughter then worry she might worry about me or for me or maybe pity me or God only knows but not going to stop it from happening or it might I wouldn't share with Seth st the time because he is dealing with things I see and hear and feel yet have no clue but I sense his struggles and it kills me to know I don't know how to help or fix what I broke long ago not saying faith is not struggling cause she is but she is also the stronger 1 that has no problem figuring our what she wants and moving towards it last few years I been fighting the unaware knowing death is near but who's is not clear came close to being me not sure what stops it but it stops because I have stuff to do before I can go and I have started to take those steps but it's still Un clear who's going to move into darkness bringing pain to 3 of the four of us if I go I must without letting on remind all that everything even the bad and painful b.s happens for a reason that's leading to good and same to bad its a choice what path each takes a s only we control where we go even if we deny it its true we have a choice even though we pretend we don't we do I have seen it first hand but it's true I latley found we also control are happiness and with practice anger rage even though it's easier to blame others stupidity in truth ur angry cause u choice was to see others actions as stupid hurtful selfish wrong when with better self knowledge u can make urself see anything others do how ever u choose yes its crazy sounding because we have been condition other ways but if you think quietly on it u might see what I see they say I'm crazy cause I rather be happy then angry yet I still act like others control my emotions when really I let society feed their beliefs cause ots easier then the truth. But my belief is the harder the better if it's easy it's a waste of time or enabling the weak. Not sure why I sharing but something told me it must be time that scares me cause it means my time is coming closer and that makes me nervous and scared yet happy and can't wait y I rather go to the unknown then live is a lot of explaining that I can't get into cause it's not about that it's not like I be gone 2morrow but never know I need to start appreciating every chance I got to do what I can help guide as many as there is to take guidance from me.  My daughter had a birthday as I wrapped her cheezy gifts I excused their cheesy Ness but deep down I was disgusted with myself for not being who she needed then or now I can only see failure even though she is amazing at hiding her unsure Ness I have read some of her writings and can relate and upstep it all by 100 I hate the fact I could of made all that pain never growing could of sheltered both from the inner demons they fight daily but I didn't cause I can't get a grip on mine still confused time and time again they might say it's drugs but still I can't say the same they don't help but I'm so unlike anyone else in not caring but caring struggling yet assure of myself and knowing being confused yet understanding all the same it's tricky I'm happy for the most part at the appearance of both children but stopping and looking deeper I hate the things my problems made the lack of teaching because I still untaught I relax a bit cause every struggle they go through is not just for them but all who know them and more yea I probably floated of but never really had 1topic for a plot no beginning middle and end just footnotes to the greater story of life Shared yet lived alone anyhow that's all something is telling me enough for this moment intimate questions of being to much cause me worry but the voice of strength in her are louder then the worst voice yet worry I will do I love both think of all but Adam will always be the name to start the tears of guilt and shame for he the only 1 that might never get to meet but hold close everyday wondering fearing tearing me apart and knowing it's all deserved cause he and God only know what life has been but I will live in my delusions of everything that's good with equal amounts of pain and joy and all the rest even if it's unbelievable I will only believe it true cause if not I dream of the ways it could be and that will kill me dead in 1day so onward I live to trip the night away hahaha have no fear cause it will happen anyway no matter what we do so lie to urself if it helps but always find the truth somehow someway.

Comments

  • Okay, this is badly written. The basics matter, that's all I'll say. Good luck.

    Sep 24, 2022

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