Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

(SIFLIDB) My Race & Who I Am

Sometimes I Feel Like I Don't Belong
I don't often get this feeling. It's been four whole years since I've felt it. It's like once I bury it, it comes back to life and sprouts the self hatred deep inside. It gets in my head. It gets to my depression and it slowly begins to tear away what confidence I ever had. I know it exists. And I hate that it does. The racial conflict that still seems to be breathing. I tear myself up over it. I've had people look at me or say things to me that I attempt just to brush it off but it still manages to drown me. I've had points that I've hated myself for who I am, what I am. I can't seem to stand one moment to be proud of me because I always have to look into my flaws before I look into my perfections and achievements. 
I have a friend. Who I've been best friends with for almost six years. I had a crush on that friend once and he left me unanswered. I just brushed it off after a while and moved on. He always told me he didn't know what to say but a few days ago I told him that my sister (who used to be friends with his sister) always told me that his mother was racially biased (I'd like to say rather than racist). He answered me with "No. She was okay with us being friends. But she said that if we started dating then she'd flip shit." I just laughed it off. But I keep thinking back on it and wonder if part of it was the color of my skin. I keep trying to reassure myself by saying maybe I'm just over thinking it and it's just because we were still young (even though this was in eighth grade that I admitted my feelings to him over a Roblox message. I know, great job, huh? Not). There are plenty of situations I've faced that I blame for my ethnicity, even when I don't have a reason to. I recall the day a new girl came in to our school just around the middle of senior year and she sat across from me in physical science class. She was a little darker toned than me and came all the way from New York down here (As I'm referring to the South East US, Western part of a state). She looked at me and told me she wanted to tell me something. She told me how a few days ago into her history class a boy had used a black sharpie and colored over his skin. Looked at her and said "let's see if I'm as black as you now." I got mad. Upset really because she had to go through it. I asked her if she told our school counselor and she replied that the counselor done nothing and only said it was "a joke". She looked at me and asked me if I'd experienced the same thing. And I could only tell her that I hadn't because I'd been raised there. But there was an occasion before in my freshman-sophmore year when I was riding on the bus and a kid from middle school had made a comment about my skin color. I ignored it but when I had gotten home I wanted to kill myself for it. I was upset and I told my mother that I didn't want to ride on that school bus again and I asked her why it had to be me (I was raised by an older Caucasian couple due to problems associated with my biological mother). My mother was enraged of course and contacted the school and the school ended up suspending him for a few days. I was called to the office the next day and the principal asked me what he said but I completely denied telling her. And she insisted that I did to avoid other kids (of my race) from experiencing the same. I had no choice but to tell her then. Funny thing is, that boy's sister and I was close friends. And due to that little "incident" we progressively fell out of that friendship. 

Okay so my best friend... He isn't exactly the smartest right...? I mean he is in his own way but he just asks stupid questions sometimes. (This is the friend I had a crush on in 8th grade) Well the other day we were watching "Beast" movie which had recently came out. And according to the movie a "black" man's child was calling a "white" man her uncle. Now don't get me wrong I was living for it. But my friend looked at me and said "It doesn't make sense. How can a black guy be related to a white guy?" I shrugged it off at first because I didn't pay attention to how much the comment offended me even when it shouldn't have. I didn't let it get to me that much because I know my friend sometimes says things before he thinks about what he's saying and sometimes he's let go of a few offensive racial comments that he doesn't mean. I explained to him that believe it or not it's possible because. My lineage is exactly that way. My mother's mom (my grandmother) was a Caucasian woman who was with a man(of which I don't know his race, because my family tends to have a lineage of not knowing who their fathers are lol). They had my mother. My uncle and aunt are both Caucasian as well, you know. But anyways my mother who is technically a mix. Was with a black man (aka my biological father) and that's when I came along (behind an older half sister ofc) I can technically put it forward how my family lineage technically started off as Caucasian and resulted in a white/black mix. I told him it's all based on lineage. Used my lineage as an example on how. Because it is true. It CAN happen. It isn't impossible. And truth be told I may have a darker skin color but I AM still partially Caucasian. Definitely not as much as my mother or my grandmother but it's there. It's in my DNA. But there are people who only see the color of skin. There's nothing underlying it. People just tend to believe that black is black and white is white. That's just how the world tends to thrive. It may just seem like a general opinion but, that's what I've seen going on day to day. That's what I've experienced. People who think I'm just "black" because my skin is darker. But hey I guess that's just racial bias. It's the same now as it was then, just not as bad. But it's still there... And that's all I have to say... 

It's still here.