Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

The Thing About Forgiveness

All my life I've been sitting in that third pew at the front of that Old Fashioned Baptist Church I was raised in. The same place that I got saved by God's grace when I was eight years old. The same place that's given me faith, and brought to me a peace of mind even in some of my most difficult times. Only God understands how I feel when I say it. And  someone out there understands it too, even maybe in a different way... The feeling of betrayal. I've been stepped on a few times by a couple of people. But when it comes to being my blood it kills me. I spent months angry at my sister for what she had did to me. Angry with myself for trusting her. And most of all my anger was only making things worse for me. For a good while I was holding a grudge, I've always been known to hold them for a long time, at least until I tell myself that I need to let them go. After 16 long years of holding one against my mother, I've finally set that burden free. 
To me it hurts most to hold trust in someone that I'd thought would have always been there for me. The same person I'd have some of my best memories with. It hurts when I put out my faith into people I shouldn't. Surprisingly because they're the one's fastest to step on me for it. One Sunday morning at church, our preacher preached about forgiveness and holding grudges. Despite all of the sins and crimes that we've done, God still forgives us no matter what. And I sit and think to myself; If God is able to forgive people for some of of the most wretched crimes, why aren't people able to forgive other people for something much more simple? When the preacher preacher that night, he said that with forgiveness comes letting go of grudges. While someone can say they forgive them, but deep down in their heart they still hold a grudge, it isn't true forgiveness. I also learned from that sermon that forgiveness isn't for the people around you, but it's for yourself... I understood this... I was so upset with my sister over something and I always said, I'm never going to forgive her again. I'm never going to trust her again. And it's all because I was holding onto something that I didn't want to let go. I still don't want to let that go, but some things need to be thrown out the window. Forgiveness comes with helping yourself first, not anybody else. I won't ever forget it, but maybe one of these days I can actually forgive it. Make this process easier on myself. I'm still pissed about it even right now as I'm putting down this whole thing, but. Sooner or later I'll get over it and it'll be another burden I can throw out the door. I'm just ranting along, but trust me when I say that you need to do it for your own good and not anyone else's. I should be telling that to myself, but I'd rather give advice than take it. I'm just that kind of person I guess.