Category : Books-Fiction

Sub Category : Drama

Chapter 8


  I was breathless as I woke with a start. It was dark out and Josh was snoring next me. The wind kicked up outside causing the tree branches to slam into the window, which is probably what woke me. I put on my robe as I got out of bed to go check on the boys. I carefully opened my bedroom door and slid out, I didn't want to risk waking Josh. 


 The hardwood floors were cold as I crept down the hall. I wished I had my slippers as my toes were freezing. I peeked in on David and Drew and they were sleeping so soundly, I tiptoed in and covered them up. They were so precious as they slept, unaware of the demons we kept hidden from them. 


 The house was so quiet this time of night, other than the whistling wind outside. I took my phone out of my pocket and stared at it like I have done everyday since I left Alex standing in Lauren's office. Lauren texted me Alex's number in hopes that I would reach out. I wanted to text her, in fact, it's all I have been thinking about this past month. It's fear that keeps me from hitting send after I type out my deepest feelings. She probably hates me by now. Twice I have walked out on her, I can't possibly imagine what she thinks of me. 


  I sat in the dark curled up the couch covered in a blanket. I felt vulnerable as I typed out the most honest text to Alex. My finger hovered over the send button for an eternity before I deleted all my heart felt words. I dropped my phone in my lap and looked out of the big window in our family room. It was amazing to me how firm those trees stood, the wind was blowing so hard they would just about bend in half, but never broke. At that moment, I envied the tree, standing tall and strong no matter what was thrown it's way. I wanted to be like that tree. I took a deep breath and picked up my phone. Staring at her name I simply wrote, “Hi”. 


 I fell back onto the couch and threw one leg over the back while I nervously stared up at the ceiling. The wind outside was gently lulling me to sleep when I felt the vibration from my phone on my stomach. It was her. “Hi,” she wrote back. My new friends, the butterflies, were back as I read her text. A simple hi was all it took to send them swarming inside me. Now what? I thought as I stared at my screen, when my fingers began to type. 


 “I can't stop thinking of you,” I simply stated. Then I waited for her to reply, then I waited some more. Maybe she doesn't want to talk to me, or maybe she has someone sleeping next to her, or, maybe, just maybe she fell asleep. I should just go back to bed and get over this I thought as I stood up and slid my phone in my pocket. I went to the kitchen to get some water before going back to bed when I felt a familiar vibration in my pocket. I reached in and unlocked my phone, it read, “Ditto”. I squealed in delight. You would think that I was a pathetic teenager if you could just see the dumb look on my face. I quickly responded, “I'm so sorry for walking out on you, I regret it everyday,” I admitted. This time she responded almost instantly, “I understand, Lauren was able to give me better insight on your situation,” she texted. Wait, what did Lauren tell her? I instantly felt sick to my stomach. What is she going to think of me now that she knows the truth I wondered. Then another text came through, before I could even finish my thought. “I’m not scared, so don't worry about me, we need to get you out of there,” she wrote. I stared at her words, she said “we”. My heart did a backflip as I read that over and over, not thinking about the repercussions of all of this, I just focused on the “we”. I didn't really know where to go from here so I just wrote, “goodnight”. It took everything inside me to delete her words, but it was for the best. Then I put a block on her number so she couldn't text me and I climbed into bed, I couldn't be too careful. 


  I quietly climbed into bed and closed my eyes. I kept thinking of her soft lips on mine and how I stupidly ran off. I have dreamt of those lips for years now, and I couldn't stop if I tried. I don't know what this was, I have never been attracted to a woman before. I can't explain what it was about Alex and why I was so into her, I just know the connection was real. I thought about all of those Saturday nights when I would lie to Josh to go search for Alex at the club. He knew that I loved taking pictures, so it made perfect sense to him that I would go out to take pictures of the sunset and some downtown street life. It was therapeutic for me to get away from the boys and just wander around taking photos, thankfully he was still ok with it. I used to rush out and catch the sunset then head over to the club in hopes of running into my mystery girl, aka Alex. Now my fear of Josh outweighed any risks I was willing to take to get close to her. Besides, I am married, it wouldn’t be right to cheat on him. Although, with my mind always on Alex, i’m basically already being unfaithful. I was overcome with guilt because of this, maybe that’s why he was so violent with me, maybe he knew? Here I am again, taking the blame for his actions. I can’t keep falling into this trap, deep down I know that his abuse was not because of me. His rage made it’s appearance long before I set eyes Alex anyway. 



  I had to be up early to make Josh’s breakfast and pack his lunch so I closed my eyes to get some sleep. As I slowly drifted off, I saw her face and I remembered her words from earlier, “we need to get you out of there...we,” More than anything I wanted us to be a “we”, I thought as I drifted off to sleep.



  “Mikayla, hey wake up,” I heard Josh plead as I tried to open my eyes. It was still dark out, what time was it, I thought as I jumped up. “Is everything ok? Where are the boys?” I panicked feeling confused. “The boys are asleep, they’re fine,” he replied matter of fact. “Oh shit, did I oversleep?” I asked feeling confused. He stood over the bed freshly showered with his shirt partially unbuttoned and his tie hanging loosely around his neck. I sat up on the edge of the bed and rubbed my eyes to get a better look, and that’s when I saw it. The anger in his face as he glared back at me. I looked quickly over at my phone, hoping that I didn’t forget to delete the messages from last night, I was so sure that I did though. He wasn’t saying anything, he just stood there watching me squirm.  He got off on making me nervous, I often felt an overwhelming sense of guilt when he would silently stare me down, however this time, I did feel guilty. My stomach was in knots waiting for him to speak, Just get it over with, I thought. This has been a long streak without feeling the pain of his hands, I knew it couldn’t last forever. I broke my gaze with his evil eyes and stared at the ground anticipating the first blow. On the other hand, it was his words that delivered the unexpected punch, “Who’s Alex?” he interrogated “What?” I asked hoping for some clarification before I went any further. “Who is Alex?” he repeated in an eerily calm voice. “I heard you, but I have no idea what or who you’re referring to,” I lied, feeling confident that I deleted the texts from last night. I looked up at him to find some sort of clue as to why he is questioning this in the first place. His stare was cold, “You were calling out the name, Alex, in your sleep, Mikayla. Who is Alex?” he asked again. “I was?” I questioned feeling confused. I stood up and grabbed my robe acting like it was no big deal. “That’s odd, maybe it was a character in the movie I was watching last night, I got up because I couldn’t sleep and there was a strange movie on the tv,” I muttered as I walked past him toward the kitchen. “You hungry, I’ll make breakfast,” I said as I walked off.  He stood there in silence for a moment then followed me into the kitchen. He must have accepted my explanation because that is where the conversation ended. I packed up his lunch then kissed him goodbye as he left for work. I closed the door behind me, with the door to my back I slid down and sat on the floor. My nerves were a wreck and I was in shock that Josh just let that go. However, something didn’t sit right with me after that, I tried my best to ignore it and I jumped in the shower.



 After a morning filled with household chores I finally reached out to Lauren. I needed some time to figure out what I wanted to say to her about my conversation with Alex and about my fear of Josh finding out, especially after me talking in my sleep. I still can’t believe I did that. The boys just went down for their nap and the house was quiet. The wind continued to howl through the night while the morning brought a chilly fall rain. I snuggled up on the couch with a hot cup of coffee and called Lauren. 


 

  Our conversation was short as we decided it was best to talk in person, so I invited her over for coffee while the boys napped. It worked out well since her kids are at the matinee with her mom. Less than ten minutes later she was knocking. Lauren reached out and hugged me as soon as I opened the door. That was typical of her, she has always been very affectionate, she’s also a good listener. “Come in out of the cold,’ I said as I stepped back giving her room to walk past me. I took her coat which was already drenched from the walk from her car to the door.  “There is a fire in the living room, go warm up,” I suggested while I went to pour her some coffee.


  “So, I texted with Alex last night,” I said with a grin I couldn’t hide. “You did! What did she say? What did you say? Did you profess your love to her?” she rambled off in excitement. “Calm down,” I said as I laughed. “First of all, you told her about Josh?” I asked, already knowing the answer. “I’m sorry honey, I had to. I needed her to understand what you’re going through and why you keep running out on her,” she said defensively “I know, I understand why you did it. I just worried about what she would think of me, like I am some weak pathetic soul allowing a man to hurt me. However, she said ‘we,’ Lauren,” I said while gripping the pillow just a little tighter than before. “Huh?” Lauren questioned. “I need more information, you’re sounding crazy,” Lauren laughed. “Last night, after she told me that you filled her in on Josh and I. I was nervous about what she may think of me, then I received a follow up text saying that she wasn’t scared. She said that “We” need to get me away from Josh. Like we are a we,” I explained. “Aww, that is so sweet, Mikki. I really like Alex and I think you two could work,” Lauren smiled. 


  “One major flaw in that fairy tale though. Josh. What do I do about Josh? I am terrified that he will take my boys, or worse, hurt them,” I said with a worried look on my face. “He won’t let me leave, and also apparently I’m talking in my sleep,” I confessed. “What do you mean? What did you say in your sleep?” Lauren asked eagerly. “Josh woke me up this morning, he was angry and kept asking me who Alex was, I played dumb and said it was a character in a stupid movie I watched last night. Thankfully he bought it, well at least I hope he did,” I said as I glanced over at Lauren feeling uneasy at the possibility of him not believing my story. “It will be ok, just believe it yourself and let it go. He will see right through you if he senses your nervousness,” Lauren said as she reached over to touch my hand for comfort. Sometimes I felt angry when she comforted me. I know she means well, but she also doesn’t fully understand exactly who I am dealing with. Josh is a monster, however he is also the father of my children. I just smiled back at her, what else can I do or say? I felt like such a spinless human being already, and there was so much more that I haven’t told her about Josh or my past. I am too ashamed. We were already in high school by the time we met, and being too embarrassed to share those details with anyone, even my best friend, I kept them to myself. Sometimes I think back and feel like it’s just a movie I watched or a book I read, sadly it was all real.


  It was a hot afternoon. I remember it clearly because our swamp cooler had stopped working and our little old house was scorching in the 100 degree weather. The house was old, built in the early 1900’s, so there was no central heating and air. I must have been about four or five, it was the end of summer, right before school was about to begin for my siblings. My mother hired an acquaintance of hers to watch us for the day while her and my step-dad were out. I don’t recall her name, It’s odd that I remember only the bottom half of her, I attribute that to the fact that I was so small in comparison. My only point of view back then was waist high to most adults. I recall her brown bell bottoms, she was tall and thin with long fingers that resembled the witch of the Hansel and Gretel book I read over and over until the pages worn thin. Her voice was calm and yet, chilling. She closed the door and locked it after my parents went on their way, then turned to us and pointed her finger and demanded that we nap in our rooms. My brother protested, saying that we needed lunch first. She said that she would call us when it was ready and until then, we were to lay quietly in our beds. Terrified, I obeyed. For what felt like hours we laid there sweating like a glass of ice water on a wooden table without a coaster. I could finally hear her in the kitchen with dishes clanging around. My little brother laid next to me sobbing, his stomach growling louder than mine. I whispered softly to him over and over that this will end soon and mom would be home. I was afraid of what this woman would do if he got any louder, and it was too hot to hold him close to me, so I tried calming him by singing You Are My Sunshine. 


 “Come and eat,” the woman hollered. My little brother sat up and waited for me before we cautiously stepped out of our rooms. At the kitchen table we found our plastic tupperware bowls, my mom had them in every color. Inside was my little brother’s favorite; mac and cheese and hot dogs. “Yay!” He squealed in delight as he picked up his spoon to take a bite. I was so relieved to watch him shovel a spoonful into his little mouth. I grabbed my spoon and carefully scooped up a bite when my little brother spit his out. “Yucky,” he cried. “No, no, just eat it sweetie, please,” I begged. I took a big bite to show him that it was okay, as soon as I did, my taste buds felt betrayed as I forced it down. I didn’t do it out of hunger, it was fear. I was scared of what this witch of a woman would do if we weren’t grateful. He tried again to choke down another bite but gagged instead, and kept gagging until he threw up what little he had left in his tummy from breakfast early on that day. The witch came in and yanked him out of his chair, I stood up in his defense and she grabbed me by the hair. My older brother’s tried to mind their own business and scarf down the tainted mac and cheese but she had other ideas. She barked at them to get up and come out back. They looked at each other, then me, with eyes wide open they gave in to her request. 


  We lived in the country on the outskirts of town, the nearest neighbor was a mile away. I never really felt bothered by this, but today I wish there was someone I could holler to, someone who could run over when they heard our cries. Instead, there was nobody, all we had was each other. She lined us up against the back of the house, where the sun hit the hardest. We were told to press our “ungrateful” noses into the old, paint chipped siding on the house and remain still, “like statues” she barked over and over. With our toes and noses up against the wall, it was a grueling task to remain still, so it was no surprise when my little brother lost his balance and fell backward. When I instinctively reached down to help him up I felt the sting on my arm. I pulled back in horror as my wound welted and began to bleed. I looked up to see her holding a thin branch from the old orange tree in the back of the yard. “Up against the wall,” she howled. Little Paul’s poor cheeks were bright red and wet from his tears, “I’m so sorry,” I whispered as I stood back up to plant my face back into the same spot on the house. My older brothers obeyed out of fear as they remained still, they didn’t even flinch when Paul fell down. I could stand here bleeding from my fresh wound all day if it meant that my little brother wouldn’t suffer. I was relieved when she took him over to sit on the grass next to the chair she planted on the lawn where she sat to watch us suffer. She made sure that Paul was sitting there watching as she got up and walked up to me. I trembled in fear as she pulled back her arm with the switch and with full force she unleashed a pain like I have never felt. She kept saying that sinners needed to be punished as the little branch tore through my skin like a hot knife on butter. “Repent,” she yelled repeatedly, “REPENT!” I closed my eyes to try and erase the memory from my current thoughts. “Hello? Where were you, Mik? Lost in thought?” Lauren asked as she tilted her head sideways, similar to that of a confused puppy. “Oh yes, I’m sorry,” I said as I got up. “More coffee?” I asked as I reached out for her cup. The rain was really coming down out there, I am surprised that the kids were sleeping through it all. “Yes please,” Lauren said with a smile.