Category : Adult

Sub Category : Adult Fantasy

I never knew what it meant to love yourself. I got used of giving love to someone who isn't me but I'll try by every means to love the next person and also feeling like I had no choice, I have to do it. Always apologising even if it's not my fault. It kept hurting when it was supposed to to make me happy. I was too fast with demanding rewards for being kind, It was too soon.

It continued, it went on and on. I'll be the one crying Everytime I feel empty Everytime I give. Every single tear I cried thinking I wasn't enough. I'll look at myself and shut the front door for me to communicate how I feel. 

That was the moment I thought to my self that this ends right here I'm switching how things were done. I kept loving like I used to do but I build a wall between the love I am well I aware that I can give and freely so. I cut a lot of relations. The heart darkened and it didn't want explanation it was in pain, it couldn't bare to be bruised Everytime it tries to heal. I was left alone with no one , there was no one I could randomly laugh with and have decent conversation with.

I'll wake up only to go back to sleeping again. I had a lot of questions about the things that happened  that I don't deserve. I recalled incidents that hurt me. I'll go through them and cry all over again. Even though the heart could not bare that at times. I'll make crying my everyday bread, I'll cry two days straight and it hurts. 

I got scarc I hid my face from the public, the people who thought they know me and those I loved the most. I became bored and I started reminiscing about the good olden days and how I used to feel. I'll laugh my lungs out about some of the stuff I used to experience and scenarios that left me on my stomach every time I had to think about those funny moments and of course those sad ones that will bring me back to tears and cry again. It was sickening,today it will irritate me, tomorrow it becomes a lesson and then it becomes painful. 

I had more hatred in me,the love was there but the pain caused hatred and you could easily see it without me even saying to a specific person that "I hate you" . I have a lot of body language tendencies  and I'll leave the next person sad and I wouldn't care. They'll even think I'm just angry and it was deeper than that. I was mad. I became dark and it was as dark as the clouds in the forest before the storm and it was as consistent as the Strom itself. I left people miserable. 

I gave zero damns. I sat alone. I had criminalising thoughts, I had an urge for revenge. I hated myself and I'll say bad things to me about everything that has put me into this situation. I was so mean to myself when the was no one I could be mean to. I was afraid now of how I think of myself, I was scared of myself of how easily the words that came from my mouth hurt me, how many bridges it burnt and how much fear I had of myself that I couldn't look into the mirror and see my view because of the mouth gag reflex I had to myself. 


O had nothing else to do. I was out of energy, I'll cry but tears wouldn't  build . I'll stare blankly but in all this the was no love from self to self. I just felt like my time was wasted for me to be here on Earth hurting whiles I could be somewhere else doing something productive. 

I had to beg myself. I wrote a lot of letters to myself how I understood the pain ad there was no one beside me so I had me. I'll apologies and I'll buy my self small gifts just to win myself over. Persuade myself to dress up and go out with myself. It really sounds impossible right? That how can one convince oneself to love oneself. I figured out that it was very easy for me to build relationships with people in general and sure they won't forget me after that. Now I'm here angry at myself for not paying to much attention to myself. Yes if you have to put it that way that " Loving yourself is difficult"  then yes it is. 

I invited spirituality. I thought maybe if I could just look at myself in another way would help me to trigger the love in me and share it to myself. I have to admit that I used to not understand meditating and listen to nothing well after I tried a couple of times I realised that I was actually listening to the cries I had to myself. I lowered my head down to let the universe guide me. I became someone else and it was good to be in that position

I made sure I cried and I was not crying or still crying because I am still hurt or still looking for validation from people but I did it because I felt proud and I found many ways to love myself. I will take the last few Randa I have and go pamper myself, buy gifts, pray for myself, educate myself more often, learn about different cultures,beliefs so that I don't see myself being manipulated into being someone I'm not. 

"Love yourself" isn't something that happens overnight, over the week or after a month it's a life style, it is a way of living everyday in your space and actually not ready by any chance to depend on someone to love you. Doing my hair myself trying to look cute is a way of loving myself and building an image about who I am and learning everyday to forgive all the things i couldn't forgive instead of trying to make excuses about people's behavior I just forgave to maintain the lifestyle I wanted to live going forward.

This loving myself journey attracted a lot of good vibes for me. I became friends with people I never thought would look at me twice. I have the confidence that requires no alteration of words. Being me makes other people being themselves. It's a love that is very different from the rest. This one gets you too much fragile and too observant and working everyday onto building an amazing human being that will even make those who once thought I wasn't strong weak. 

Although it sounds like a hard journey but it also comes with benefits of being complimented each day. Not necessarily with one thing but everything I do even if blinking. It's a journey. It is long but it has great experiences. 

#let us love ourselves