Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Every night..
I put my phone away and turn lights off.
I'm alone in my room. No-one is there. It's just me.
And I remember..
I remember how my old bff left me and maked sure that every single one of my friends left me too..
I remember how I got to know that few of my friends really werent my friends..
I remember how I felt like when my old bff took me back and then left again..
I remember how it felt like when my super dear bff moved to another city..
I remember my friend who moved away and then moved back after few months and I had to notice that she had changed to someone I knew..
I remember how everybody thinks I'm lazy and loser..
And it hurts.

Then I start to think and think and think. And cry. A lot.

Why did my old bff left me? Was I too ugly or fat? Or was I too stupid?

Why I'm again alone in school? 

Why I can't seem to get friends from school?

One night I felt like i couldn't take it anymore. I cried again. I thought about suicide. I had lost count already about how many times I had thinked about it. I put "When you feel like you can't take it anymore but you still try to find power to continue living" in snapchat to one guy. It was late already. I thought he sleeps already.

I took chair and put it opposite of window. I sat. I took some ball and started to throw it from hand to the another hand. I tried to stop crying. I try to concentrate to the ball. It helps. When I do that I can't think everything bad with 100%. I look from the window to the endless darkness.

About an hour later I stop and walk to my bed. I have already stopped crying. I check my phone. That guy has answered. "Don't give up. You have to find power." 
I start to cry again. Actually even more than before. But this time part of the tears are happy ones. I feel like there is someone who isn't from my family and cares do I die.

That night it got pretty late before I got sleep but I also got hope for the first time in a long time. 

I think there is someone for everybody who pulls you back to alive and makes you happy. I hope I found mine.

If you are in sort of same situation as I'm then keep trying to find that someone. Or try to find some way to find power to continue living :)