Finding My Own Way Back Read Count : 29

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
As he taught me that true love let’s go but he to only keep me cause if I told everyone who he really was then he would look like a monster and not a hero so as I cry in such pain of loss, and betrayal that I try to cry and I can’t I just can’t believe that for such a long time he’s truly tried to leave me and I never saw it till the day she came back and I just know by the way he looks at her not only cause I have seen them together and not to mention there long conversation  on the phone after her surgery. And she can never keep the right story it was a different lie each time. And how he started to be secretive with his phone and how mad he would be just like before Days before the morning of him telling me it’s over between us I was already slipping away from him by going home early cause he started putting me down in small ways just so he wouldn’t have sex with me or kiss me. And from a person like myself who notices almost everything I knew he had been seeing someone else. Why do we question ourselves own worth when it’s not us it’s the person who walks out behind ur back, the person who betrays ur trust and is never wrong in what they do. The person who makes you feel unworthy is the person who needs to learn to be honest to let go but they can’t look like the bad person so they make you look and feel crazy. I never loved anyone the way I loved him and maybe it’s cause no matter what he did to me I always found a way that it was all me.  Till now this time as my sons phone disappears from our apartment and then to our place of work and his phone number was the only number calling my sons phone at odd times of the day but as I thought I let go of it all I was doing was building up hurt and disappointment that No matter how hard I tried all I was doing was lowering my own self worth. I would pick out his clothes sometimes even put them on for him cook and be at his bec and call when he say my name I jumped but once I started to see how ungrateful he was I started to slip into a deep depression just like he wanted me to the more I messed up the more he had his way out and I began to get lost and hurt feeling like I failed when I gave more than I should have when I was building our life he was building another life with someone else. So I sat and cried for days till now I can’t all that goes through my head are different thoughts of if I saw her and him together how much it would hurt me and I go through different reactions in my head of what I’d do. The more I keep thinking about it I realized more about my own self that I had no control over anything that I can’t make some one want me more than this other person I have no control over anything. I only had control over myself and my own healing, he already chosen what he wanted or who he wanted. I mean he broke up with me for her it was only a matter of time. Or he did all this so I could just leave him alone he treated like crap I could never get my own feelings out it was always about him and his feelings. He always threw my past in my face but I could never do that to him. He did show me I just didn’t see it till now. 

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  • Dec 05, 2021

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