Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

August 4 2017

Dear Diary,

Trying to understand why my wife is the way is she, makes me wonder about myself and why I continue to stay with her. We have 3 kids and a baby girl on the way.. So maybe this is the reason I keep coming back to her, I know I'm not the perfect husband and father, but her anger has always been her worst trait.. she gets triggered very easily over the smallest things.. for example, if I was to turn the lights on while she's asleep, she'll wake up swearing and cussing with an explosive tone.. her tone is another thing that frustrates me, not knowing to have a sense of control in her anger and tone towards matters that don't need it. 

I know God has a plan for us, hopefully she'll learn to adapt to my ways and accept the fact that I need love and support through my struggles and addictions to help me overcome it, but she always chooses the angry approach.. 
I admit that I have put her and my kids through a lot .. but , I wasn't all bad.. there were times in our lives where I was supporting our family and she wasn't working, I proved to her that I can provide .. but she'll always say I never did, just so she can look like the good parent.. saying I was never there... which again frustrates me.. because she knows the truth but chooses not to admit.. like my 6,000 tax return went all to her, but she still doesn't want to accept the fact it's from my hard earned money and not from the government. I know she looks down on my behaviours and decisions in life, and has based who I am as a person on that.
She has no idea of who I really am as a person, never accepting the fact that I see things differently to her, never thinking that maybe through encouragement and being more supportive on what I need to work on is what I need, rather than always putting the blame on me, never thinking that there is potentially a better version of me.
She has it locked in her head that I will never change and says I'm a burden in her life.. this is probably why she's constantly angry all the time.
Always wanting to be the dominant one in the relationship and never giving me the respect as her husband and father to her kids.
I confess at this point in time, I have no emotional feelings or deep passionate love towards her, but I'm doing my best to listen and work through our dramas.
I have to learn to accept God's choices for me and have to try my best to change my ways first in order for her to change her ways.. At the end day, our kids are the most important thing.

I just hope one day me and her will be in a place of love and happiness.. but for now I'm being patient and trying my best to make the right choices.. learning from the past is all I can depend on... and if I fail I will keep trying until I get there.. all I want from her is some words of encouragement and knowing how to actually sit down as a family and talk through our problems in a calm tone and manner.. offering me her support and concerns in a manner of peace, rather than trying to scream my ear off..  calling me abusive names.. it's hard for me to change my ways when there is no love in this relationship... I am still searching for true love in my life.. my kids will always be the reason I breath. but when it comes to my emotional and mental needs its a different story, it's probably why I choose to escape with drugs rather than facing it. I don't have the Balance mind she has.. whats good about her is that she knows where her priorities are.. I'm still learning.. I know my kids should be my motivation but I need to be around a healthy relationship in order for me to embrace it and not  run off and be withdrawn from the world when I'm feeling down and out.. Everyone deals with their own problems in a different way.. i deal with it in a fucked up way, but for now I'll keep praying and hoping for that one day.. when I become a man of God.. and we'll both have respect and love for each other so our kids can grow up in a healthy loving environment