Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I Can't Let Go


Bella... I can't let go of you.... Not today or ever.... For being a dog, you were my life... My family.... You mean so much to me. They way you've left me stuck with these memories of you. And the pictures that replay in my mind. I can't help but miss you, and I hate having to admit that you're gone. I loved you. I hope you knew that. I'll miss mostly how you'd snarl your nose up and growl at me. Or the way your tongue hang out from the side of your mouth. Bella Marie what hurts the most was hearing that you were dying. You was such a sweet and loving dog and there is no other to replace you. My heart feels so empty, and I can't help but cry.... I loved you. I love you still.... I just can't let you go now... Not yet... My heart's not ready... I'm not ready... But I know the longer I hold onto you the harder it'll become for me to let you go. I'll never forget you.... 
You remember... When we were younger... We always liked to play in front of that TV in that two bedroom one bath trailer home. You loved to tear into that pile of stuffed animals and play with them. But your favorite was the giant Shamoo. You know, that black killer whale from sea world that we'd gotten in three different sizes  and your favorite was the biggest one. Your boyfriend we liked to call him because you always found the time to ride it. And in that same house I remember I had made you mad and you chased me into the bedroom that of which I hit my head on the metal bunk bed and was blinded by my own blood running down from my forehead. But that was never your fault. I still have that mark right above my left brow. Remember how we'd snuggle up together and you'd comfort me when I was down. After you'd been fixed, Bella you bloated into the cutest, most pudgy Chihuahua I'd ever seen. And it made me love you even more. The way your fur felt beneath my fingers and the warmth of your breath. Your favorite food had always been those Slim Jim's, even though they tore your belly up and gave you diarrhea, you'd simply hear the rattle of that wrapper and it's like you knew it was there. But most of all you were a peanut butter baby. How you'd stare when someone would pick up that peanut butter jar and lick from the jar once it was done. How you'd spent years by our mother's side, barking and being that sweet little dog you were.... You were loyal... You weren't our dog you were our family. My sister, my snuggle buddy. Bella if only I could hold you one more time in my arms.... Hug you and kiss your little head.... Tell you how much I love you.... I would do it over and over again.... I wish I could still do that... Feel your touch and hear your breath. Those pretty green eyes that scare you in the dark... Those thundering nights that's you'd swaddle under a blanket in fear and hug up to someone. Those days I would pester you, and those days I would be comforted by your existence. And now.... There's this void in my heart.... I can't help but cry as I let this out... And the tears are never ending.... I miss you... I really do.... How your body became so limp, and your eyes hadn't closed... Yesterday I held you for the last time... Kissed you for the last time... And helplessly I could only sit there.... You stayed with me through thick and thin... And what hurts the most is the images, of watching you take your last breaths. Your limbs grew stiff and your breaths were short. And I watched you as you took your final one and kissed your head... Told you I loved you for the last time... 
I feel like these final days with you have left me scarred. With memories I'll never forget... But even so Bella... You meant the world to me... And now that you're gone the world seems so empty.... I'm sorry... That I couldn't have done anything better... That I couldn't have helped you, and keep you from facing death.... I'm sorry... Bella I'm sorry.... I'm sorry that I just can't let you go.... 

(Gone But Not Forgotten, Unknown - Aug. 10 2021)