Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Miscellaneous

"Reflection"

Each day I get better at knowing who I am. It's been quite a journey to undertake the last several years. 

Since I was a kid, I always struggled with the idea that we'll know who we are when we barely know what it is we're after at such a young age. My past experiences throughout my life journey led me down some hellish roads and paths I didn't know one could take and come back from to speak about. I know it wasn't the worst as others have had it, but we all have our scars and journals others will never read or see. I learned a long time ago that I couldn't live my life without being vulnerable in some sort of way. It was unhealthy for me not to talk about my experiences, my lessons, the dark days that followed me around until I was brave enough and ready to trust and open myself up. 

Today, the sun shines on me and I feel its soft and healing nature. I feel the same way about the moon, even if we had a falling out of sorts several years ago now. Both are the lifeblood of who I am. Both feed the animals I keep hidden from view so no one gets mauled or attacked for not knowing any better. I think everyone does their best with whatever cards they were dealt with. I think we all have our own ideology for the process of finding one's self. The definition and define nature of it becomes the foundation of which we build not only friendships on, but relationships. 

I'm not entirely sure I'm really ready for love again, much less throwing myself out there for someone to pick apart. I'm tired of the questionnaire I fill out for someone asking all the details about who I am, what I do for a living, do I want kids, do I see myself wanting this or that. It's exhausting, especially when you become a certain age. I guess I'm too old to talk about myself or I'm just not that kind of human anymore. Don't get me wrong, I care about finding love and getting to know someone. I'm just taking my time on these roads of mine, experiencing turning left and right or continuing on down it until I find a solid shoulder to rest for a little while. It hurts being human, but in some ways, everything else hurts if you're not. At least for me that's true.

Well, I'm celebrating another birthday today. Another milestone. Gone are the days where I would celebrate my birthday in a big way, hitting clubs with friends where the celebration would go on for days. I don't yearn for that anymore. Now I choose peace and quiet with some precious solitary moments. I appreciate my own company more these days. Looking back on my life journey thus far, with all the good and bad, happy and sad thrown in together into the mix, I have come to realize that it was through everything that I have experienced and gone through which have made me the person I am today. No complaints, I am truly at peace. 

The older I get, the more I think, "you only get a minute, better live while you're in it cause it's gone in a blink." And the older I get, the true it is.... it's the people I love, not the money and stuff that makes me rich. 

The older I get, the fewer friends I have.... but I don't need a lot when the ones that I got have always got my back. And the older I get, the better I am at knowing when to give and when to just not give a damn. 

And if they found a fountain of youth I wouldn't drink a drop and that's the truth. Funny how it feels I'm just getting to my best years yet, the older I get. And I don't mind all the lines from all the times I've laughed and cried, for they are souvenirs and little signs of the life I've lived. 

The older I get, the longer I pray.... I don't know why, I guess I've got more to say. And the older I get, the more thankful I feel for the life I've had and all the life I'm living still.