Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

You ever just sit back and think about life? Like is this the way you envisioned it being? Nobody ever tells kids how hard adulthood is. They leave that part out, otherwise why ever try to eat right, stay healthy and live a long life... As kids we’d never eat our veggies or think before we climbed that tree if we knew life was like this. We’d simply say why worry about that? Who wants to grow up and live that kind of life! Ever wonder why women color their hair differently or rearrange the furniture so often? Or what about buying new clothes in different styles, wearing colors they’ve never really worn before? Eat different food or no food at all because they always need to be dieting. Well I can’t speak for all of them, but as for me I think I have been trying to be someone everyone else wants me to be I’ve been reinventing myself to please others  and I’m beginning to figure out why I do it. I have never felt excepted for who I am. I’m always adapting to the people around me in hopes they like me better. This way maybe for just a smidgin of a moment I’d feel like I belonged somewhere. I’d have a place that felt like home to me. You like to drink? Let’s get drinks! You want me to listen to your problems even though you never listen to mine? I’m all ears! You a biker? I got leather pants I’ll rock when I’m with you. You a lil country, let me get my boots out the back of my closet. You like when I wear red? It’s my color? Then im going to buy all the red I can find in hopes you tell me I’m pretty more often. Oh you don’t like my hair this color? What color is best for me? Find me a picture to show my stylist. Appointment set! 


  Why am I this way? Well ya see I didn’t have the worst upbringing but I didn’t have the greatest either. Youngest of four, always trying to get noticed so I’d get attention from someone... anyone. Parents divorced, raised by my siblings from 9 and up.  No real role model to look up to. Parents didn’t make good choices after their divorce. Both of which married so many times after that I couldn’t keep count anymore. So many step dads and step moms in and out of my life I can’t remember them all.  I still don’t have a relationship with either of my parents, it’s hard to let go of what they have put us through over the years. Having to pick and choose which parent to live with, who’s the better parent, who do we feel safest with, when in reality I never felt very safe with either of them. Pregnant at 15 because I was searching for a father figure, that by the way I still haven’t found. Only to find myself divorced with three kids and 16 years later. Left to try and find my happiness once in for all. Thought I found it but I’m beginning to think I may have just been scared to be alone for the first time in my life so I married a year after my divorce.  


 Now I cry myself to sleep more nights than I care to admit.  I’ve set aside morals and things I would have never thought I’d put up with to stay married. Lines have been drawn and crossed so many times I can’t see where the line even was anymore. I’m afraid I’ll never be enough for him to only want me and no other. I feel like I don’t stimulate good conversation with him, I don’t challenge him at all. I do everything I can to make sure he’s taken care of in as many ways as possible. Doesn’t ever seem to get noticed though. Unless someone else points out how clean the house is or how put together the kids are or what a good meal was served. Well then of course he’s  gotta act as if he says those things all the time because that’s the polite thing to do.  Most say I’m a control freak but it’s simply because I haven’t been able to control much that has happened in my life and I don’t know how to handle that. I’d like to say I’m a strong, independent woman but I’d be lying.  Life comes at ya so fast sometimes I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I can’t tell if I’m happy or just existing anymore.
  Ever wonder if he ever stops to think about how I’m doing mentally? Deeper than just the usual how’s your day crap, nobody ever really wants to hear how my day was. They want the watered down version of it. The one where I say it was great, not a care in the world.