Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Are there actually couples that place value on their wedding vows? Like is it really that hard to make your spouse feel wanted or respected? Needed and cared for, and by needed I don’t mean they need you to cook for them and clean for them or go to work so the bills get paid. I mean that they are as scared to lose you as you are them. They say the heart never breaks evenly, someone always hurts more than the other. If you can’t do these things why are you with them? I mean I’m no where near prefect but I’m trying to figure me out and why I do what I do, can you not do the same for your spouse? Too hard? Not enough time in the day to try and change the behavior that kills them inside? How do you sleep at night knowing your spouse isn’t sleeping? How many times does one need to explain how you make them feel before you decide not to do this to them again? Why can’t there be talk about this without it becoming about you solely? We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. Thus the reason it continues over the years. As adults we need to stand up and make our voices heard, stop dumbing ourselves down or putting up with shit we wouldn’t want our children putting up with. I read somewhere if you wouldn’t want your child to live as you are then why are you allowing it to happen to yourself? I felt that... If my child came to me feeling this way I wouldn’t take it as a sign I failed as a parent I’d help them learn to ask for what they needed and demand to be treated with respect. So why can’t I do this? We need to take responsibility for our actions and make changes or move on. Stop trying to change yourself to please others. I need to do this! I’d rather be wearing any hippie T-shirt I can find, shorts and a hoodie, or some vans and a tie dyed shirt with jeans any day! I should care what people think but not enough to change who I am! Even through this I’ve learned I don’t have many true friends, nobody to call at 2am when I can’t sleep for all the tears. It’s because I’m not authentic to my own self, who wants an ever changing friend? Nobody does and thats a  fact. We want reliable people around us, people we can depend on in our time of need. I’m always the one who jumps outta bed at 2am to run to the store for you if you ran out of diapers and the baby is screaming.  You need a ride to the emergency room because you broke your arm? I’m on my way! You broke and need dinner? I’ll give you my last meal or the last dollar I have will go to buy you food, Yet most of them would not do the same for me. How do I change this? Become a cold heartless person that says nope I can’t be there for you because your never there for me, put my phone on silent so I might get a nights rest without being awakened by your call? I can’t nor would I ever want to be that person.  Do I try to take it day by day and work on these things. Do I stop trying to make people like me by agreeing with everything they are doing? How do I find  my voice and say how I feel more. Try wearing what I want to wear without worrying if you think I’m pretty or not.  I’d like to think as though  I am enough, I am who I am and I shouldn’t have to be anyone else to receive love from you or anyone else anymore. I wish I could learn to love myself so much that I wouldn’t need anyone’s approval anymore. How does one begin to work on their self for once in life and not let anyone stop them? Of course I’m going to keep my phone on loud if someone needs me but if I’m doing something I need to do to heal myself they may have to wait until I’m finished to help them. I also will not apologize for healing what others have broken in me. I have learned that I can’t help you if I’m not taking care of me first and foremost! I will be the most important person in my own life from here on out! This way when you need me I will be whole enough to offer the help you need without sacrificing my own well-being.  
I’m sick of cleaning to make everyone happy when nobody  even notices until it’s not done anymore. I heard a poem I want to share with you (unsure who wrote it)     So I say to you dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better to paint or write a letter, bake a cake or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need, dust if you must but there’s not much time, with rivers to swim and mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read, friends to be cherished and life to lead, dust if you must but the worlds out there with sun in your eyes and wind in your hair, a flutter of snow a shower of rain, this day will not come around again, dust if you must but bear in mind old age will come and it’s not kind and when you go and you must go you yourself will make more dust.