Category : Blogs
Sub Category : Relationships
It feels kind of surreal when you learn your place in other peoples lives. We think we make our own way only to learn that is not true. We each allow the people closest to us to place us in a category where they want to keep us and it’s up to us to decide if we remain there or not. Take our parents for example, first born is always known as such unless they are an only child. Second or middle born is know for that as well as so on with your birth order. We are either the smart kid, not so good kid, the well behaved kid, the quiet kid etc. Our parents give us a role in the family from birth we choose whether we remain in that role or grow out of it as we age. Does the “smart kid” go to college and get a degree or get sick of the pressures placed upon them and end up job hopping? The “bad kid”, the one with the bad grades, or bad decision making skills, do they grow up and learn other ways to be better or cave into what their parents thought all along that they would turn to drugs or get arrested? The “quiet kid”, did they remain in the shadows of their siblings or find their voice?
When you grow up and get married you each fall into roles in your marriage. Are you the provider, the strong leader that holds it all together? Are you the caretaker, the house cleaner, or the keep everybody in liner? Who cares for the children born of that marriage? Who takes the trash out or pays the bills every week? Who feeds the dogs and decides family vacations? Some marriages find their way or path on their own and others are discussed. There’s also the marriages that nothing is discussed. Some couples talk about nothing others talk about everything which marriage are you in? Do you know your place inside your marriage? Are you content or happy with your place inside said marriage? If not do you speak up or remain in the shadows?
Even our children place us as parents in certain roles most of us don’t even notice it for years. Are you the favorite parent?The absentee parent? The fun parent? The dependable parent? The pushover parent? As children grow our role may change just like their need of us changes. How each of us handle this ever-changing roll may differ from parent to parent. Does a favorite parent always stay the favorite parent? Does the absent parent finally show up after said child is raised? Does a fun parent become not so fun as they age? Does a dependable parent get tired of being taken advantage of? What about the pushover parent do they get tired of their adult child pushing them around? What about the parent that gave up everything to be the best parent they could be? What are they to do when the child grows up and moves out? Who do they become then?
If you work outside the home your employer and coworkers also place you in a category. Late every day Larry, do it yourself Dan, brown nosing Betty, complainer Karen and so on. Do any of these stem from our childhood? Can these roles that we are placed in change? Do you want them to change? How do we change them? I ask this questions of myself often. I asked myself a lot of questions in this subject. Why was I the last kid my parents had was I so bad or good they didn’t want anymore? Was I planned or an accident? Why do I feel like I was placed in so many categories throughout my life and I feel invisible most of the time? People always say it takes a village to raise a child yet a tribe is hard to find. What do you do when your marriage feels like two ships passing in the night? What do you do when what you thought was your partner in crime becomes just a person you call to bail you out and not the person in the cell with you holding your hand? How does it make you feel to learn some thing about someone you thought you were close to after everyone else already knew? Why do we do things even as adults that we know hurt the people around us? Is that the rebellious child from your childhood? Why do some people never speak up and demand to be treated better at work or at home? Is that the quiet child of our past? Why do some spend their lives taking care of others yet never feel taken care of themselves? Why does the good kid allow for so much pressure to be placed on their shoulders?
Some people live their whole life in a tiny apartment with very little, drive average cars ,work average jobs. Yet their lives seem very fulfilled, lots of friends and family around them never a boring moment. While others buy the big house nice cars amazing jobs that people would love to have. Only to feel alone even in a house full of family members, with no friends to share it with. At times it feels like you need to be an asshole to have friends, then again who wants an asshole as a friend? Do we push everyone away? If so is it to avoid the anticipation of emotional pain? Is it fear of abandonment or fear that they will also put undo pressure on us? Why do some of us become emotionally distant yet live with a person begging for attention, is it the opposites attract concept? At what point is that thrown out the window? When do you feel like it’s just sabotage to the relationship because one pushes away while the other holds on for dear life? Therapy? Does therapy work? What happens if it doesn’t work? What if one goes to therapy and can open up there but not to their spouse? Why can’t they open up? Why can’t they share the small stuff much less the big stuff? Is that their wish, To push the other person away? Seems to me the lack of communication and sharing that’s going on the less connected they are. The less connected you are to someone the easier for you to live without them. We are given another day to live every morning we open our eyes. What we do with each precious day is up to each of us. How we choose to spend it is up to us. How are you spending tomorrow? Quiet and alone? Taking care of your loved ones? Providing for the family? Living with regret? You feel heavy because you are full of truth, open your mouth more let the truth exist somewhere other than inside of you it may just change your life or the life of someone around you. Which ever you choose I hope you find peace in your soul and happiness in your heart.
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