Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

It feels like my world is closing in on me...slowly depriving me of air until I can barely take a breath.Every time I blink it seems like something bad happens.My father in law is dying.He has mesothelioma and was actually in remission until the pandemic happened and he was forced to postpone several chemo treatments.Now the cancer has spread to his bones and the doctors say there's nothing more they can do .He has six months to a year. I am actually able to feel an emotional response from this ...surprising and rare ,I asked my shrink if that proves that I don't have antisocial personality disorder and he just gave me a look,then proceeded to tell me that it is common for people with my disorder to have emotional attachments to those within their immediate close circle ( like family).The whole thing blows ,but there is a tiny part of me that welcomes the emotions associated- its not a luxury I am given often and even though its bad it's still better than the empty boredom I normally feel.My significant other is not going to handle losing his dad well.He has such a hard time dealing with even small negative situations life throws his way...this will likely break him.And I'll be the one having to pick up the pieces ,as usual.I didn't ask for any of this ,all the constant shit that happens in my life with him.Its never good and with his dads issues being the exception ,most events could easily been prevented had he simply listened to me.But he knows everything and its impossible for me to give any advice to someone who seems to believe they know everything.
I don't know what to do to fix things anymore...its like we are drifting away from eachother and at the worst possible time.Always worried about money ,bills piling up so high I'm drowning in them ,and since the pandemic both of us have been screwed in the job department-I lost my job ,my fiance is struggling to keep his but not just due to the pandemic ,he has had an ongoing issue with one of his eyes and recently it has become severe.He has pain in the eye,cannot see much out of it anymore and what vision he does have is made up of degrees of blindingly bright light,depending on the whether or not he is in an area that's lit up ..the sunlight really hurts the eye ,and even inside our house he has to keep the lights off or dimmed at least.We went to the ER but they were unsure of the cause and were I'll equipped to treat it so they referred him to a specialist and he's made appointments to go but keeps having to cancel them last minute...first it was because his dad needed him ,then his last two appointments were made the same day as our pets vet appointments which were both important enough to where I could not just reschedule them .I had let him know when the vet appt.s were over a week in advance like I always do.And like he always does,completely forgot.lol.Now the same two pets have to go back to the vet for two more surgeries because the issue the previous operations were supposed to have fixed,has returned .That'll be another thousand dollars I don't have .I love our animals but am resentful of the fact that we own them in the first place- as broke as we always are we should not have pets until we are financially stable enough to be able to pay for their medical expenses ,if necessary. The pet expenses are devouring what little income I have .Now after paying bills/rent I have barely enough to cover an exam for one of our afflicted pets .I wish I could adopt a few of them out to good homes but nobody wants to adopt rats- and those who do want tame ,already trust trained rats not ones that were rescued from the wild.I am unable to figure anything out anymore.Maybe if I take a vape break I'll come up with an idea.