The Dolphin Problem Read Count : 37

Category : Stories

Sub Category : Comedy
At a time when the environment is under attack and so many animals are facing extinction, we have a responsibility to finally do something about the dolphins. Of the 42 species and subspecies of dolphin, five are considered to be endangered and another six are considered to be vulnerable, according to the Endangered Species Act. This is a travesty that we need to take action on immediately. I believe if we work together, we can finally solve this problem once and for all. With your help, we can ensure that every species of dolphin is dead by 2024.

Dolphins are a blight on society. They act all sweet and innocent with their squeaky little sounds and their adorable tricks, but don’t be fooled. Dolphins are the most horrible creature out there, even worse than chipmunks. (If you’re wondering why chipmunks are so bad, consider yourself lucky to have never been a victim of their wrath.)

There are many factors that have contributed to dolphin death: the adverse effects of climate change, pollution, and of course, dolphin-on-dolphin crime. Now, don’t be discouraged. Humans are still the main reason why the dolphin population is continuously decreasing. After all, we are great at killing animals. It’s one of the things we do best, right below war, capitalism, and charcuterie boards. However, we are not doing everything that we could be to permanently exterminate all dolphins.

Dolphins are extremely intelligent, often ranked among the smartest animals on Earth. They are capable of complex problem solving, social interaction, and high-level communication. If we are going to maintain our dominance over the animal kingdom, we have to eliminate our greatest competition. Humans are the only animal that comes close to the cognitive ability of a dolphin, but our education system continues to decline, so does our supremacy over the dolphins. It’s only a matter of time before they rise up and outsmart us. If we’re not careful, we could see the first dolphin president of the United States within the next twenty years. We should be very concerned about this, as dolphins are well known fascists and will not respect democracy or the Constitution.
Dolphins’ intelligence is only surpassed by their cruelty. Dolphins are extremely violent and sadistic. They are ruthless predators and carnivores. They won’t even consider going vegan, no matter how many bloggers tell them they should. (Fun fact: dolphins love blogging, almost as much as they love murdering.) Dolphins will often kill the babies of other species just for fun. And we can all agree that it’s wrong to kill babies for fun. It’s one thing to kill babies for food (like veal or lamb or kittens), but any species that would kill babies simply for sport, must be wiped out. Everyone knows it’s only okay to hunt adult animals for sport and let natural selection take care of the babies after they’ve been left orphaned in the wild.

In addition to murdering defenseless babies of other marine life, dolphins will even kill their own babies if it helps them get laid. Male dolphins have been known to commit infanticide in order to coerce female dolphins to have sex so they can get pregnant again. They will also gang rape females, but they’re rarely punished, because no one wants to ruin their bright futures as student athletes. Sometimes they even attempt to rape people (and only we get to do that!) Don’t worry, no one murders and rapes as much as humans, but dolphins come close. We cannot let them win.

Scientists have been analyzing the way that dolphins communicate through a series of clicks and whistles, in an attempt to someday translate. Until then, I think it’s safe to assume that a large portion of dolphin communication is hate speech. There have also been rumors of dolphins planning to storm the Capitol on Inauguration Day. We must protect President-elect Joe Biden from this threat and the only way is to preemptively eliminate the dolphins. Do it for him. Do it for America.

Dolphins are already rumored to have been behind numerous tragedies and crimes against humanity, including orchestrating the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, the sinking of the Titanic, and the cancellation of the beloved television series Firefly after only one season.

If I haven’t convinced you yet, let me leave you with a chilling visual. Dolphins have prehensile penises. Look it up, if you dare. So I beg of you, help me take down the dolphins. We must put our nation’s greatest minds together to find a way to end their reign of terror once and for all. Then we can address the chipmunk problem. (They know what they did.)


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