Category : Stories

Sub Category : YoungAdult

5.30 pm. 


I have already arrived at home as always. I took off my mask, trying to breathe easily and freely in my own place. I shared the house with my mom. Well, literally I was living with her. She was eating her dinner when I got home. I passed her by and I got into my room, put my bag on the sofa, resting my body, and again, trying to breathe and get back my sanity after all the long day I had at work. 


"Your language was so bad, Tiff."


"Why do you always do the same mistakes? You've been working with me for more than 3 months. You're not supposed to repeat the same mistakes anymore."


"What's wrong with you? Do you have any problems? Personal problem? The internal problem? Because it started affecting us, affecting you, the way you work, and my company."


"I told you million times,  double-check things. READ before you POST! Many times! Your accuracy was so BAD, Do you know that?"


"Sorry? I don't need your apologies, just so you know."


"I don't care about your personal problem but you are literally a self-center person! You're selfish and you can't be working as a team by having those attitudes, Tiff. I'm telling you that." 


"You do really have slow progress. It has been more than 3 months since you work with me and I didn't see any progress you make. It's really SLOW."


Big Wolf's voice keeps repeating in my head. For the god sake, I want it to stop but I can't. It's tearing me apart somehow. He might have thought it is not judgemental but for me, it sounds like that. It's like self-destruction for me and he didn't even know me at all.


I keep telling myself that I've done the right things. Sometimes I made mistakes but I always do my best to fix it, be better, do better even if I don't like this current situation, I do my best because I have to survive. But then again I forgot that life is not only about how to survive but I have to live also. So I took a deep breath and breathe. Trying to calm myself for a moment.


I called my boyfriend. We talked for minutes and after that, I feel better. He always makes me feel better and stronger. One thing I remember he said,


Honey, if you don't like your situation then make a move. Find a new path.


Yes. That hits me so hard in my head. So instead of keep repeating what Big Wolf has said about my progress, I would rather think about what Brandon told me on the phone.


Honey, if you don't like your situation then make a move. Find a new path.


Yes, that's the correct way to appreciate myself. I put my phone on the sofa and I'm watching Netflix, chilling for a minute before taking shower.  


In a very long silence, sometimes I was questioning myself,


1. In your thirties, what would you gonna do with your life?


Getting back your Ph.D.? Or try to getting back to your crazy Ex? Hmm, that's not me. 


2. Marriage? 


That's definitely not me now. Not yet. We haven't been ready for this one yet.


3. Expecting second babies coming soon?
 
Well, I don't have kids. So this would be Amanda's plan I guess. 


4. Still, looking for a partner if you still being single in your thirties?


If it's your choice, please don't mind me.
 
5. Or perhaps do you still trying to pursuing your goals? 


Wait, speaking about the goals, what about my goals then? 


Oh, I forgot to mention, all those questions in my head were referring to your life during this pandemic era by the way.


Do I need to remind you again of all those health protocols we need to follow?


Like, have always put the mask on(now it's a double mask for Indonesia because now I am here), get vaccinated, and keep continuing your life as nothing has ever happened. 


New normal life, right? But how come you can be so sure that this is the new normal life that you were expecting it? Everything has changed for almost every aspect of my life since the day of the virus has taken control all over the world. My plans, my goals, everything. My life has turned upside down and It takes so much effort to take it back. It takes so many tears and bones to getting back to my old life by fixing my financial issue. It's almost a year and I am still stuck here in the same situation but in different spots. So I gave up my goals. I mean I stopped put it all on the list. I stopped making to-do lists about my future plans and set up goals. I just let it go with the flows.


Well, my name is Tiffany Falls by the way. I worked with lots of different types of jobs before the pandemic. I worked as a Math Teacher, Secretary, Finance, and Customer Relation Officer. But I am also a writer. Right now I was working with Big Wolf, let's name him that way. He was running a start-up business and I've been working with him since November 2020. Honestly, in the first or second months, I was happily working with them. But things happened. Shits happened and I kind of like don't know where I belong to. I feel like it wasn't a place I wanted to be in my thirties. And honestly, it wasn't a place that makes me happy to wake up in the morning to do my job after months been dealing with toxic people over there. It's not my dream job even Big Wolf was a nice boss but not 100% wise not even close and I also got lower take-home pay. 


Speaking about lower take-home pay, I know I should be grateful for that because during this hard time people lose their job, and a lot of people have been struggling to get a new one. And it's not easy, believe me, I know that. But the thing is I'm not happy anymore working with them.


Well, there is nothing I could do with this situation because I need to survive this apocalypse (during this pandemic). So I was trying to love things that I do with them. Even sometimes I have to sacrifice my ego. But hey, I'm not giving up yet. Yes, there is nothing I could do during this hard time but I believe there is always another way. If you don't have a choice but you have options so you can make the right decision for yourself. See my point?


With Big Wolf, I work double jobs as an Administration also as a Customer Relations Officer and a Social Media Analyst. My work was basically related to clients and social media. I write, I make content for company social media and post it to reach audience and engagement. I keep in touch with some clients to build a good relationship between the company and clients. Sometimes, somehow, it's exhausted because I don't like people. I'm not crazy I'm just an introvert. Sometimes, somehow, it's depressed me because I didn't feel appreciate and they put me on a pedestal. Everything I do was never enough to prove that I have done my best even I have shown so much effort. Big Wolf couldn't see it. So I assume perhaps he was blind. Just trying to cheer up myself.


When I started to write and tell them the real fact about things, nobody cares. They only care about how much money you could earn, how much engagement you could get by them reading what you posted on social media. Yes, that is how media works nowadays. And that is a place I work with, that is also have become a habit that I have to write whatever Big Wolf wanted me to write, like it or not. They called themselves professional but they couldn't control or even fix the way they were talking to other co-workers. What a toxic personality and circumstances. And then you blame me by saying I bring negativity in your place? My gosh. Funny. Sorry to say, speaking about being professional you should have known that better than me, right? You couldn't speak like that to clients no matter how smart your ass though. It is not how professional works. I think before you started throwing that pebble at me you have to know that you also need to fix yourself.


Am I the only one feeling like this? They would say that I've got a personality disorder. Which is sounds so funny to me. 


9 to 5 I've spent with those toxic circumstances has started to kill my inner soul. I've become a robotic customer service. I started to lose my sparks, losing myself in the order to prove to them that I was capable of this department.


Be patient. Hang in there, Tiff! 


You gotta stay strong, Honey.


I have enough. I have enough!


I'm not going to talk about Big Wolf and how fvcked up his startup company anyway. It's just one of those problems I have to deal with. Wait  a second, not me. He is the one who has to deal with that because I plan to quit immediately.


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© Vivian Lin