How Fine Is Fine? Read Count : 52

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
The other night when Syed called me, I asked him if he was okay. 

He said, "I've been better, but I'm fine." 

But when I listened to his voice, I clearly heard his pain and struggles there. He quickly cracked a joke and tried his best to smile. A smile that I felt didn't quite reach his eyes. A smile that was more for show and style. He knew I could see right through his downplay even through the phone and so he added softly, "I'll make it through this, it's just taking me a while."

I knew he was hurting and I could feel his pain was deep. Deep down I knew he felt the burden was his, and his alone to keep. Seeing him put on a brave front for me almost made me weep. I reached out to him and I whispered, "I love you, my man. Your burdens are also mine."

I know there are times where he does feel fine, but I also know other times 'fine' is just a word he hides behind. 
'Fine' is him being polite. 
'Fine' is what he feels he's supposed to say. 
'Fine' is how he feels he's expected to be.

Fine.

But all the time...?
Even with me...?

I know for a fact that sometimes when he says 'fine' it actually means anything but fine. 

Sometimes his 'fine' means he's anxious and scared. 
Or he's lonely and depressed. 
His 'fine' can also mean uncertain question like, "I don't know if you really care?" 
For the most part, I know for a fact that when he tells me he's fine he's really saying he doesn't want to worry me. 

And that 'fine' is usually accompanied by a nod and a smile when he's afraid to admit to me that he's not fine or he can't find the right words to describe what's going on in his mind.

Doesn't he realize it is me he's talking to...? The one person who understands him better than he understands himself...?

Doesn't he know that with me it is fine for him to say, "I'm not fine"...? That I will not judge him or love him any less...? 

Comments

  • May 05, 2021

  • May 05, 2021

  • Ghostly Poet

    Ghostly Poet

    I love this so much. It's wonderful, seriously wonderful. Embodies the struggle of some of us men.

    May 05, 2021

  • Carl Shuck

    Carl Shuck

    As always Sis, you give us your unique perspective. I hope he reads this. It's not easy for us to show anything in this. We are trained since youth to 'be strong', 'be tough', 'big boys don't cry' so it comes naturally, almost instinctive for us to respond that yeah, I'm 'fine'... eapecially to those we love. Thank you for the reminder that we are feeling creatures too and dont always have to put on that 'brave face'.

    May 05, 2021

  • May 06, 2021

  • May 06, 2021

  • awesome

    May 26, 2021

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