Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I wanted to go over a matter... 
Well a thought process actually... 
It's better to express things this way for me. 
I can write down each little sin, 
Uncover every bruise. 
But, one thing I see in me the most. Are my flaws. 

I'm not perfect. Humanity isn't perfect. Perfection doesn't exist in a world like this, and if it did, it would be worse to live in, than the one we got now. Mistakes come and go, but they're a natural thing. In a perfect world, mistakes wouldn't exist. And because of that, a person like me would be ashamed of... For becoming that mistake, for causing that mistake. Its exhausting to try to be perfect... It hurts to try, and it's not worth it I know... But I could say the purpose of this was to think... The fact that I want to think a little while about who I am and what I identify myself as. I listen to depressing music, lock myself in my room, and refuse to leave my burdens, but yet when I'm out in a world I despise, I want it to be different from me. I can't understand why... Why do I... Why do I look to friends and people I love and want them to be happy, but not myself? 

Recently I've been given some advise. From the woman that's raised me in fact. She told me, "Tay... You're too hard on yourself." A day ago I felt hurt, after a friend important to me turned on me... At that same time, I in my art class was supposed to draw something that made me happy. And that friend made me happy... But feeling a pain that tore my heart inside out, feeling that void getting deeper angered me. And the only thing that made me feel better was watching that page go up in flames. I don't have to be in a relationship to feel heartbroken... All it takes is losing (or nearly losing) a friendship and it rips out a whole chapter of my book. And that made me upset. That hurt me inside. All I could do was cry. Maybe it's because I'm too weak to take on life. I'll admit that I'm scared to get any older. I have 2 years until I'd officially be a general adult... 18... I hate thinking of that number. I hate thinking of adulthood because I don't know if I could live it.

Maybe it's true... I am being too hard on myself... But yet my heart is as weak as it gets, and sometimes I feel like that's the only thing I have left to do. I look into my life and I realized the stress I've put on myself. The things I had trapped inside that hurt me more than anything, but I refused to let it out. The burdens on my shoulder that I refused to release. That prison I locked myself in that I refused to escape. That was all because of me. 

I've told myself... I want to help people... Help people to learn to get over their depression. To help people fight it. To show others that they aren't alone. I wanted to have open arms and tell them that it was all gonna be ok. I want to help people in sad times, I want to heal broken hearts, mend broken strings.... But one time my mother asked me... "How can you help someone, when you can't help yourself?" "How can you help others feel happy, when you have no happines?" "Why do you put everyone else's joy in front of your own?" To tell you the truth... I don't know why... Maybe it's because I want to see people happy... That friend of mine... When he was sad... I remember always trying to cheer him up... When he felt depressed because someone hurt him... I comforted him... I remember the many friends... The many people I called friends... When they felt sad  I felt sad for them... When they had trouble, I offered to help them... Even if in return I never got anything back. I never needed anything. That friend of mine... I remember when he was hurt. Hurt so badly that he had felt he lost all the friends he held so close to him. He was on the verge of giving up... But what I did... I told him, that he meant the world to me... I told him, that I was his friend and that I was there for him... I told him how much I cared and that I wouldn't leave him... But then... He looked down on me... He gave me a cold shoulder... He asked me, "Do you want me to leave?" "Do you want me to quit too?" Despite the appreciation I tried to show him.... It. Broke. My. Heart. To know. That he. Said that. To me. To know that our friendship seemed nothing like I saw it... That my efforts of telling him that I would die for him meant nothing. That killed me. I could only cry. For hours. I begged him. He made me feel a guilt... A guilt that made me want to die... And that's when all I could resort to, was watching a page burn... Of a drawing of me and him... Playing a game we enjoyed the most... I thought I had happiness in that.... But I just felt all of it turn to ash. That's when my mom told me... "You're being too hard on yourself."

Yeah... I was being too hard on myself... I opened my heart to someone that didn't deserve it didn't I? I've done that too many times and it's made me look so pathetic. I was depressed, hurt because of him, but because I didn't want to lose him as my friend, I stayed. I ignored my heart and went back. Yeah.. I know I was being hard on myself.. My emotions are nothing but a roller coaster. In the end, he told me, it wasn't me, it was him. I know I was harsh on him.. He has to deal with someone as moody as me. Having to deal with something like that is a living hell. It's hard to cope with. My sister could tell you that, so might my parents. I'm a nervous wreck. But knowing that I feel better when I forgive someone, I forgave him, and he forgave me... 

Morally... I just want to say... Sometimes we look at a  perspective that doesn't exist. I know I do. Sometimes in life, you have to take the heart breaks and heart aches... But those are what makes a person stronger... I know that not all friendships last forever.. Not all relationships last forever... Some of them can leave us with bruises, and some of them can leave us dead.. But what we learn in life is that, I guess we are sometimes meant to break... But many times those things can be mended. I know that friend of mine... I couldn't decide whether I wanted to call him a jerk or what... But even in the end of a friendship, it's always a blessing to have one, and it's a blessing to lose them too... That friend.. I hold him close to me. Despite our ups and downs, I still love him as my friend. And that's the Christian way. 

Yeah

I know I can be too hard on myself
But I also know that that's what makes me stronger. 
And weaker at the same time to be honest. 

But despite the struggles I go through. I'm greatful to know what pain feels like. I'm greatful to know happiness. I'm greatful to understand the difference between true friendships and fake ones. 

I'm greatful to be an imperfect human
In an imperfect world.