Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

When I open my eyes day to day
I turn to look to that page. 
Written in bold letters
But when I blink it disappears
Haven't I been hallucinating, 
To seeing things that weren't there
But to me it was there time after time. 
That same blood red font engraved in my name
Engraved in that page
My heart has been cold for so long
Despite the payments I have made to make it feel better
Despite the therapy I've given myself
Despite the pain I tried to ignore
In the end it had nothing to do with my money
But it had something to do with my heart
It was cold, dark, and lonely
Locked in a prison it couldn't escape, 
Wings that were torn, 
And that poor bird couldn't fly
That thing... 
That thing that keeps my heart so cold
Leaves me in a debt that I cannot pay off
It doesn't take bills, 
Finds them irrelevant
But to him, his one interest is my weary heart
The one that makes a person want to kill themselves
You may not have wanted to hear that
But I only speak my mind
Only because the debt I owe
Can never be paid
I'm not ready to give up my soul to this demon that haunts me
I'm not willing to do so yet
Though this debt consumes me in a darkness I can't escape
I have to keep my heart safe 
From all the pain
From all the scars
I have to hide it
From the world
From myself
And most of all from the demon that tends to haunt me inside
The one that has been begging me to set my heart from this prison I keep it in
One of these days his hands will be covered in my blood
One of these days he will be looking down at my grave
But even he knows that he would never feel remorse for it
Because no matter how many souls he had taken
Wrists that he has cut
And tears that he had made
He never shed a single tear
He had no remorse for the broken hearts
No emotion
Nothing but the feeling of success
You may ask me, "who is he?"
All I could say is that he is not real... 
He's supposedly nothing but in my head
Which I'd suggest that he is
But more of perhaps he is my head. 
The same thing that keeps thinking these filthy thoughts
Of suicide, of pain, of anger, sadness
Or maybe he's what's in my chest.
The same thing that pounds against me
Or maybe he is me
The person that I fear the most
The person that I have hated for so long
The person I've despised everytime I looked in the mirror
But because of him I have a fake smile
A fake laugh
A fake joy
Because he is what makes half of me the false person I am
I could show kindness to anyone but myself
That's because he looks down on me
I believe he is all of me, now that I think about it
He's the sin in my heart, the thoughts in my head, the limbs I control
He's my depression
The thing that keeps me locked up in my room
The thing that makes me hate myself even more
The thing that has put me in debt
I suffer because of him
I suffer because of me
I suffer because of us
He is a part of who I am
And I could never get rid of him even if I tried
If I was old enough, maybe I could drown my pain with liquor. 
Or maybe I could've blown away the pressure with a puff of smoke
But I hate the thought of drugs, and I refuse to resort to them
They are nothing but contracts that will lead me to death either way. 
But isn't death a part of life? 
Well whatever that thought was that came to mind. 
It was nothing but me ranting on
If someone could help me pay this debt I owe
To this darned demon
To help me get back my freedom
My happiness
Get rid of this darned depression that has been killing me from within
Help me get rid of this debt that I have suffered for so long.