PANIC Read Count : 10

Category : Articles

Sub Category : Self Help


I had my first probably around 16 I can't really pin point the first one. I use to have mini ones before that but they had felt more normal and reasonable. For example we always ate dinner as a family and every day at that time the school would call notification of the classes I had missed and Iknew was definitely coming and would be a topic of conversation. The truth that I hated class is not an acceptable answer school's "important". So everyday I felt forced to come up with some story, some excuse, some imaginary scape goat of a tale, which would only work on occasion but a occasionally break from that lecture was possible with a lie. So everytime the phone would ring my chest would get tight, and my mind would start racing, rehearsing my outlandish tale of the day (which frankly was less interesting or believable than the reality in hindsight).

I Believe now that was almost like training because I learned really quickly there is a strong relationship between panicking and your breathing. When they hit at there peak they feel like what I imagine a heart attack would feel like and I struggle with my inhales almost like repetitive chokes and gaspslater learned to hold my breath reestablishing my control of mind and body focusing on the mastering deep breathing and slight holds of the air. I discovered that on my own but it was reaffirmed by a article that I was lead to, written by Doctor Drew that essentially said there is no cure for Anxiety attacks. That it's more about not allowing them to escalate. To build your own power over them, because in the beginning they were truly scary but now its something that I know I will get threw. More of an annoyance, most people that struggle with them can mitigate there frequency but the more important part is to minimize there power over you.

I still have no idea of the panics cause and doubt any obvious correlations due to the circumstantial evidence and lack of repeated explanation. Sometimes slowly known build ups and some come from seemingly  nowhere. Uncertain the root but definitely have some relationship with stress and feelings of confinement. Heat 0easily triggers panicked flight responses. I've had panic attacks it hot tubs, saunas, and I've always utterly hated folding hot laundry.

I've tried the benzos and they do get rid of anxiety until ive eaten the script by the 10th day of 30 harshly recoiling down and losing the ability to navigate between highs and lows. Not to mention my whole change of personality from overly worried about everything to a uncaring numb shell. Not to mention the long blackouts when mixed with even one drink, I would wake up not knowing what I've done or where I've been for large chunks of many days, panic some more pop another one. creating the worse fucking hamster wheel imaginable. They would totally change me the Zanax in particular I wouldn't care about anything, oblivious to other people's feelings, down right even pretend to care the law, social norms of behavior forgotten and replaced by a Rolodex of non stop good ideas detached from worry and anxiety over every outcome for ADHD Impulses and high risk decision making. So they became a taboo for me. Rarely craving a volume from time to time but i refuse to keep stock piles around. 

I'm unsure if how drugs really affects Anxiety attack seventy.  Sobriety doesn't stop them only strengthening the level of my controlled outward ability to push threw. Which is probably good in some regards and negative in others. Definitely hasn't been any cut and dry answers that I've discovered yet. Yet I whole heartedly truy believe I hold the power of control even if threw the hardening of weathering the storms. While still unsure simply  training the ability to refuse them outward life, is a problematic issue of its own. My understanding the of Anxiety disorders is for dealing with them as they come, not allowing them to affect you in lifes endeavors by dwelling on, involving others with a issue for which the solution is individual and discovered by the trail, error, and the time spent on its mastery.

I dont know, is that better? To simply hide the discomfort. Both feel very much the same, and I'm unsure why I would want to hide anything. Is it for my comfort or the others, my "normalcy" or normalcy at large one in the same, both ruining my sense of normal.


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