Unstable. Read Count : 34

Category : Blogs

Sub Category : LifeStyle
It's not that I'm mean, and if I come off that way, it's not because I want to. I spent most of my life forcing my emotions down deep into the very core of my soul. I would not allow myself to cry, or express feelings of hurt in front of others. Because of this, I became a very angry person. But that side of me was rarely shown until very recently. I was always working to be the best that I could be, but by doing that, I made it so others couldn't. And it took me a while to realize that. When I was younger, I surrounded myself with all kinds of the wrong people. And even when I finally acknowledged that, I continued to go back to them. They were all I had. I felt that without them I couldn't be happy, I couldn't be great. They were popular, and so was I. And I wanted to keep it that way. They overwhelmed me with all of these depraved ideas. They completely altered my positive mindset. Everyone back then, and still to this day, was and is twisted. There is no one I'd consider "better" than the rest, because everyone is equally as terrible. But I didn't realize that back then. I was young, and clueless. I just followed the people I thought were "cool." My best friend was, and still is a bully. No one thought much of it though, including myself, because everyone was young and dumb at the time. I had known this girl since kindergarten. We liked the same things, the same guy, had the same hobbies. The only difference was, she was truly a terrible person, and I wasn't. At least not until I became friends with her. I grew up with her. I adapted to her ways, and became like her. Possibly even worse. It wasn't only that I became like her because I was constantly around her. No. I became like her because of that, and because she, and the rest of my friends, treated me terribly. They were all snobby. And at a point, I was too. I was enraged. And at such a young age. I was still a model student, but that was in the classroom. Once I stepped out of that room, and reached the end of those halls, I was a completely different person. I was a bully. On the outside at least. I couldn't help it. As I got older though, I slowly began to grow apart from those people. For a while I was a loner, which only fueled my rage. I eventually turned back to those same people who made me the snobby kid that I quite frequently came off to be. Although the main influence and I never reunited; which was for the better. I led the group at that time. I was the new "queen bee." And with those snobs as my friends, I was worse off than I ever had been. I was aggressive and mean. I knew they weren't my real friends. Or any friends at all. But I kept them around just to fill the hole that formed whilst previously spending all that time alone. I knew I wasn't going to be praised for what I was doing, but others feared me. I looked down on everyone else, and I felt like I had a right to. But that was wrong. And again, it took me a while to realize that too. It took me years to realize how petty and immature I had been. But by then, it was too late for me to say that I'd changed. And honestly, I hadn't. Although I had finally convinced myself that I had, I had nothing to prove it. I hadn't DONE ANYTHING to prove it. And I still went on with my wicked ways. It took a little longer than I had hoped, but I did make a come back. I proved to myself and others that I changed. I grew, and I improved. I've matured. But even so, I hate myself. For everything that I had done in the past, and for everything that I'm doing now. Even when I'm doing nothing wrong, it feels as though I am. And I always manage to convince myself that I am. I now have very low self-esteem. I've been living through a depressive episode for quite a while now. I'm experiencing what seems to be an emotional blockage. My anxiety has been through the roof, and sometimes I am extremely aggressive for absolutely no reason at all. I experience consistent mood swings, which usually end in my breaking down, and I have little to no control over my own emotions. I'm not okay. And I know that it's okay to not be okay. But it's not really, is it? It doesn't feel okay, and others are not okay because of it. So is it okay? Because I'm not so sure anymore. I am unstable, and it's not okay. I am not okay.


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    Dec 22, 2020

  • Dec 22, 2020

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