Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Daylight is to bright for me to walk in. I prefer the not blazing, not so exposing, gentle light of night - like that of the moon. Because in moonlight nothing is ever clear, nothing is ever really real, there's always room to dream.

I'm a person with no reflection, I can never see myself. And what others see as me is a mere facade, a mask out of my many personas. I know that this is so because I don't feel the same way I would normally feel around people compared to when I'm finally by myself, the obvious reason being, when I'm alone, I'm not the same person I am around people. It's not that I like pretending to be someone I'm not, the truth is I'm not sure I know who I really am anymore than others do. See, the way I behave around people is not the same way I behave when I'm alone, the way I talk to people is not the same way I would talk to myself. In fact I don't talk to myself, no, not really. I don't inquire my thoughts and feelings with as much attention as I tend to give with anyone else. I don't think I know how to. I'm not sure I want to. To put this simply, the fact is non other than this, I've been avoiding myself. 

😪

I've been dreaming. My entire world, my life, my friends, my romantic life, the type of relationship I have with my family, my triumphs, reasons for my defeats, the entire story that I tell myself and let myself believe - it has been a dream. Writing this, I'm doing so from a place of dream, I know nothing outside the world that I've constructed for myself. I never know the real motives behind my actions, the real reasons behind how things tend to unfold. It's like I've been living in a different world, one that's way distant from the truth, and I've been staying there not meeting the light of day. And now, as much as try to get crafty, I can't help but feel miserable. My life literally feels hollow like there's no substance to it, no meaning. I don't know who I am, no ground is firm enough for me to walk on, no surface is stable enough for me to rest on, I've been sleeping walking for what feels like forever and now, knowing this from the core of my being, I'm tired. 

🥺

The reason I'm fond of moonlight is because it doesn't discriminate, not bright enough to obliterate darkness - just bright enough to navigate through the night, shadows and enlightened beings can co-exist. I'm not enlightened. I like moonlight because those who are awake in their perception can see the truths of reality, and those who are like me will see only what they want and are ready to see. Daylight won't let me dream, the full force of light will reveal all my bullshit, it will expose my tricks, the lies I tell myself and tell others, it will end me. The reason I avoid myself, the reason I won't ask where the majority of my thoughts are coming from, why I can't just sit still and just be with myself.. is because I don't want to feel it... The void, it terrifies me. I'm so empty and dark inside, I always look outward because I'm afraid of falling in. What will happen? I sometimes ask myself.

😣

All my shit. What will happen when I fall? I always imagine it being like, having been deceiving the world as the greatest magician of all time, suddenly, I come to the realisation that my entire life has been a magic trick itself. I now my truth is far greater than what I'm willing to confess here, but I feel this is a start, hopefully. And in case I haven't confronted anything within me in this entire essay, here's one plain fact about me: If I am not busy lying.. I am afraid, and if I'm not afraid.. then I am busy lying. And before anything else, these lies are lies that I tell myself. But now I'm exhausted, and my soul is quickly catching up on me, my heart yearns for fulfillment but I have nothing to offer it, nothing real. No honest friendship, no sincere romance, no true happiness, no real self. My self image is seen through like the ghost it is. I guess that's another reason why I like moonlight, it makes it easier for ghosts like me to trick people into thinking I'm real.

😪

Daylight is to bright for me to bear. I prefer the not so blazing, not so exposing, gentle shine of moonlight.