19 Year Old Self Introspection Over Mental Health Read Count : 31
Category : Diary/Journal
Sub Category : N/A
In my defense, the likelihood of my experience of life being nothing less than unexplainable and challenging, was already planned out in the stars by many factors that contribute into my entire being. I was born on September 3rd, 1994 at a Kaiser in the middle of the famous San Fernando Valley in Los Angeles, California. My mother was a similar woman to the man I am now, unbalanced, using amphetamines, and looking for what her purpose was in life, to say the least. Her birth to me was obviously an accident, but luckily I wasn’t succumbed to the fate of many other accidental pregnancies,
such adoption or aborted, like I almost was. This was a small factoid I found out when looking through my mother’s old papers in the basement when I was 14, but what does it matter. This is just to set you up with an idea of the kind of self-view I have had no choice but to develop of myself. Not a very good one as you can see.
My life has gone through many turmoil in its 19(wrote this in years, most of which occurring within the last 5 years, since I started using drugs. However, for the sake of easier reading, I’ll have to focus on one specific point of time, and that is right now. The time I began to question my own sanity. I suppose I’m writing this to just see to myself how far or close to the truth my hypothesis is. My loss from reality began last year when I began dabbling in Methamphetamine. I had survived the use of countless ecstasy pills and LSD tabs the years prior, but the Methamphetamines effects on sleep and eating made my body, and mind just—
I currently, as I write this, February 18th, 2014, hold a miserable job at the world famous American Icon of a restaurant, McDonalds. I despise everything about the company, and I find that during the times I am scheduled to work, are the times my symptoms I exhibit are at their most acute levels of all.
An excerpt from about a week and a half ago explains further in depth the sensations I’m discussing here.
Sometimes, at even the most inappropriate of times, I always find myself gently rubbing, or caressing myself in a way, but not in a sexual way, just a way that seems as if I’m simply trying to make sure I’m really there, or not. I seem to get so lost in my own mind at times, that all awareness of what is going on at the current time, is completely erased. Time seems to slip away from my grasp, my external stimuli taken over by my dominating subconscious. I always think how I must appear to those around me who don’t understand at all about what is going on inside of my head, I must look so absent minded, so mindless, but I cannot help it, my mind works in a way nobody else could ever truly understand, and it works in a way that definitely is anything but mindless.
Sometimes, I get stuck in these sort of black-outs. They frequently occur in most critical of moments, such as when handing back a customer’s change when I am at work. First of all, unless I am wearing a liner underneath my uniform, the first thing a customer will see are the scars on my arms. “Suicide Scars” as I tend to call them. It’s a dead giveaway to most people that
"Hey! This guy is bat shit crazy!"
Then into a kind of shock like mode, I’ll lose all awareness of what it was that I was doing right then in the first place.
“You’re returning the customers change”
But how much change? How do I hand it to them?
“Look at the screen, return
$11.75 to the customer”
How do I count all that? Where do I start? Etc. And this will go on for so long, and then I’ll regain composure and apologize for the delay. It’s a regular occurrence. It amuses nobody.
What am I, truly and wholely?
Is what I experience by my five senses truly reality?
Is reality something that ever actually existed?
Or is it just another subjective tool used as a form of measuring the world around us? To help us prevent being disoriented. Questions I seem to be asking myself quite often, when I am sober mind you. When I’m even just a little bit high, I seem to be more aware of who I am and how I should act. I seem to recall more memories and am just more stable minded. However, pot makes me too stupid and lazy at work, heroin is too expensive for my type of drug taking, meth is too hard for me to keep in the daytime and usually results in multi day binges that almost always worsen my condition ever so slightly more than it already was!
But I guess that’s just part of the cycle of my disease, right?