Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Living how I'm living, seeing what I'm seeing, I just know I could do great things and be much greater than how I currently am. It's only a matter of recognising the greatness within me first, then watering it with consistent attention until, finally, something starts to develop in my life.

My dreams are talking to me, my soul is communicating with me. I'm not sure what it's saying, but I can tell that something is being revealed or, at least, being hinted to via my dreams. I can tell, after dreaming, that this is something I should listen to, pay attention to, because it's showing me something about myself. 

These days, I'm experiencing emotions and moods that I'm not accustomed to when awake. Maybe it's not really a these days thing, but maybe something that has just been going on right under my nose. In these dreams, I'm doing things that I tell myself that I wouldn't do in my waking state, feeling things that I wouldn't feel in real life. Last night I had a dream where I was something like a cop and I had finally found the criminal that has been terrorising the community and in that dream situation, I had to take him down. But after the first bullet that put him down, I just couldn't stop shooting. I shot him so many times while he was already dead and down that it was clear I had no compassion or sympathy at all. I just kept shooting until some of his insides started coming out, and to my unexpecting awareness, the feeling of burying him under my bullets felt... it just surprisingly felt good. It was a passionate kill. Waking up and deciding to look back on the dream, it made me realize that within me lies a vindictive spirit that I wouldn't, under normal circumstances, believe that I was capable of bearing. 

And tonight, in my dream, I was brought to tears in public. Something that wouldn't and couldn't be done to me under normal circumstances. But it happened, almost easily, within this dream. I was brought to tears by my teacher or someone of school authority. Back when I was in highschool, I always observed how teachers could be unfair, uncompassionate, and quickly dismissive to students. Some of them even went far as verbally insulting a student, making him or her an image of embarrassment for fellow learners. I was the type who wouldn't succumb to such instances of verbal abuse. There was nothing they could say or do to me that would affect me emotionally, at least that's how it seemed. I've never cried in school, or home because of school for that matter. But in this dream I did, easily. My teacher was being so stubborn with me, again - being the typical, quickly dismissive, insulting being that I've come to know most of them to be. And this time, in my dream, that got to me. How? 

There are things that happen in my dreams that I tell myself afterward that that wouldn't happen in real life because I'm not that type of guy - I'm not emotionally unstable or sensitive. I always have a reason, or give myself a reason, to regard a dream as just a dream, then I don't look further into it. But maybe these dreams aren't just dreams, maybe these dreams are trying to show me that I'm not the type of person I present myself to be, that even if I don't shed a single tear from something that happened during the day, my feelings were still tempered with and a sensitive part of me felt it. I might not be vengeful in my daily conduct but that doesn't mean I can't be vindictive, holding within me crimes of passion. I feel like that's what my dreams are trying to reveal to my conscious mind, that I'm not who I think I am. 

I like to think I'm a good person, in fact I believe that I'm a good person, relatively speaking. That I'm also strong, mentally and emotionally stable. I like to think that I'm doing better than some other people. But is that really the case? How far am I from a person who doesn't, at all, have it together? Maybe I've just been bullshitting myself. I don't know. These dreams, they feel so real, what I do and the way I am in them, all feels so real.. I can't help but wonder if the dream me might just be the real me: the mentally, vindictive, me; the emotionally unstable me. Maybe not the whole me, but some truthful parts of me veiled from my conscious mind. 

If my soul really is trying to tell me something then I disregard any expense of thinking and writing about this. This time around I'm willing to listen, I'm willing to get back in touch with reality and hopefully connect with my true self - whoever he may be. Because this time around, I want to be a real, genuine, unfabricated person.