Who Am I? Read Count : 43

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
Who am I? A question I have yet to answer. I don't love myself. And that makes it hard for me to love anything else. I feel so bitter. Cold. When I was younger, I thought I had the best life, I was happy. But as I grow older, I don't know what to believe. I want to be happy, I really do. But I don't know how. Nothing is fun anymore, I've lost my friends, I don't communicate as much with my family, and I don't know why all of this is happening, but it is. And I want it to end. It's hard for me to believe that I'm loved. It really is. No matter how many times someone says that I am, I can't believe it. It's also hard for me to love and care about others. When a friend tells me about their problems, I want to give advice, but not because they're hurting, but because I like to get my opinion out. It's so difficult for me to actually care about the people close to me, no matter how much I want to. I don't care about myself, about my well-being, my safety, so it's even harder for me to care about those things when it comes to other people. I have thought about death. And what comes after it. Will I start a new life? I don't want a new one. I don't necessarily love this one, but I wouldn't change anything. And I couldn't start over. Is there a heaven or hell? And if so, where will I go? I've made mistakes, I've apologized for them, but if these places truly do exist, and God is really a being, what will he choose for me?  What will happen to the people I love? My Family? My friends? Although it's hard for me to truly care about these people right now, I know I couldn't live without them. I've thought about life. Everything will change at some point. What will those changes be? What will I do? Who else am I gonna lose, if anyone at all? What will life be like as I grow older. Will I ever experience happiness again? Will I be able to love myself and others? Will I discover a new passion? Will I figure out my identity, and who I am as a person? I don't know what's going to happen to me, but I can't help but think negatively. I hope for the best, but I can only picture the worst. 

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